Windows

Okay, this will be my last mention of housework for a while, and of windows in particular. I actually took my own advice, and simply decided to get started. I put on some good music and got to work. Believe it or not, it was just like I said! The moon is in Gemini (I just checked my calendar), the windows were easy to clean, absolutely no smearing, and the time flew by. I got to listen to three whole CD’s (Gung Ho and Land, disc one, from Patti Smith and Stadium Arcadium, Jupiter, RHCP). That was quite pleasant.

I confess, it took me a while to get started, but that was because I had to cook lunch, and anyway, you’re not supposed to clean windows when the sun is shining directly on them. In the morning I was too busy (had a second cup of coffee and sipped very slowly), so I had to wait. In the meantime, I practiced that cute little insanity song I wrote the other day — over and over. I really like it. It has a very catchy tune.

The process of doing the windows and listening to music is very healing. Is it a coincidence that my thoughts are clearer now – like the windows? I doubt it. It’s good now and then to do something different, take care of a task from the bottom of the list. Some days I focus on really stupid things that I consider a waste of time, but it’s nice when they’re done. (You know – like wiping off the stair railing, door knobs and light switches, or the tops of light fixtures.) It’s kind of like clearing things out in the subconscious – nobody notices it, yet there is a different feeling in the air. And your hands don’t stick to the doorknobs! (My daughter had a couple of friends over the other day, and they helped her finally finish off her Easter bunny. All I can say is, teenagers can make just as much of a mess as toddlers!)

During a break I briefly discussed something I’d hesitated to mention with my husband. It didn’t bring quite the results I wanted, but it was one more step towards better communication. That’s good enough for today.

The moral of the story is: Just get started. It’s not as difficult as it seems.

Housework and Self-Improvement

What does housework have to do with eating disorders? More than you may realize! First of all, when I look back to my worst times — living alone in a studio apartment in New York City (that was the good part!) and bingeing blindly (you can guess which part that was), my apartment was a disaster! I will skip the details, but let’s just say I didn’t clean very often. When I did, it was usually in the middle of the night. It would have taken me the whole day to get motivated, or I might just do it on an impulse.

Somehow, cleaning my apartment at night, while normal people were asleep, I felt like an elf in a fairy tale. You know - I’d wake up the next day and — SURPRISE! — my apartment would be clean! But let me get back to the dirty part. There I would be, scrubbing away at the bathroom walls, and think to myself: “Gee, doing housework isn’t so bad. It’s just getting started that’s the worst part. I can do this more often, then the mess won’t be so bad.” Is that what I did? Of course not! The weeks passed once again.

Since I’ve recovered (and live with a very orderly, cleanliness-loving man), my housecleaning habits have improved considerably — if not drastically. But lately it has occurred to me that I do housework often just not to get a scolding, which is really quite stressful, so I’ve relaxed a bit. He’s not complaining anymore, because I’m not putting up with it anymore. Or maybe he’s walking on eggshells, now that I’m not? I’m not going to get into that today. The point is, I’ve relaxed things a bit and feel less pressure.

So much for my cleaning history as a bulimarexic and as a healthy woman. More important to me are the lessons life gives me, which also includes having to get through some difficult situations. It occurred to me while writing to someone that these challenges, issues and problems are kind of like housework. Whether I deal with them today, tomorrow, next week or even never — they won’t go away. So why not relax and deal with them when I’m motivated? Just like I do with the housework?

In fact, it just occurred to me. I’m sure anyone who does housework knows that some days are better than others. That is true about any work, actually. There are days when everything flows, the work seems to almost get done by itself. Equally, there are other days, when even the minor tasks seem to take forever or just don’t go well. For several tasks, it would make sense to consult a calendar. Depending on which sign of the zodiac the moon happens to be in (I don’t know if I’m saying this right, but you can check any good calendar), certain tasks are better done or left alone. I’m serious! For example, there are only a few days a month on which it makes sense to clean windows. Unfortunately, I haven’t cleaned my windows for a few months, because it either rained on those days, I had company, or — oh, dear! — I just didn’t feel like it. Yes, that can happen, too, regardless of the calendar.

Looking at it from this perspective, even though there are things about myself and life that need work, it really isn’t so terrible if I don’t get it all done this week. But rather than doing a marathon job once a year, maybe this could also be broken down into smaller tasks. Then less “mess” would collect over time. Theoretically, at least. When the relatives come, they always leave a mess!
I’m just about finished, but there is one more topic that must be discussed, since I’m talking about work. Free time. “All work, no play, for me that is a lousy day.”

And yet, I find it so difficult to play sometimes, because there is still so much work to do. Playtime could also be put into the schedule. Oh, I’m so sorry if this sounds like I’m making up rules. I really shouldn’t do that, because the first thing I’ll do is break them. Several years ago, in a sudden burst of honesty, I gave up making New Year’s Resolutions. For me, there is absolutely no point. “Must, should, have to, ought to, supposed to…” are words I don’t particularly care for, regardless of context.

So don’t let me try to tell anybody what to do. It’s just a thought that housework and life work will not run away from us, so maybe we could stress ourselves less with the thought of what we ought (ouch!) to do and see it more as something that can be built into the flow of our day. Free time is unfortunately made of different material properties. If we don’t consciously make time for it, it disappears like a rainbow.

Spring wake-up efforts

After a workout at the gym today, I felt much better. I need to work out regularly. It helps me stay in shape, keeps me strong and in a better mood, prevents osteoporosis and weight gain. (Since passing 40, I’ve noticed a tendency to gain weight more easily if I don’t get enough exercise.) Sounds like a good deal to me! Okay, I’m motivated! (It’s kind of hard, because I’ve just never been the type that wants to do something all the time, though it does me good. But once I’m there, I enjoy it!) It just occurred to me that this recent slide into darkness coincided with my reduction in activity. I’m sure it’s connected. So if you’re feeling down, when’s the last time you moved that body?

But before I went to the gym, I picked two goddess cards – two because two made themselves noticeable. That does happen on occasion. (The deck is by Doreen Virtue, in case anyone is curious.) Who did I pick? First Sarasvati, then Oonagh beckoned. They were both appropriate. (The descriptions are my rough translation from German.)

Sarasvati is a Hindu goddess of the fine arts. Her message is: “You are a boundless being. If you perceive limits – be they temporal, financial or otherwise – that is only your perception, because you are focussed on the material world. You can remove these boundaries by changing your focus. Music is of major importance for the expression of non-materialistic ideals and energy. It helps us move beyond the limits of thinking and existence. Surround yourself with music and let it stimulate new ideas and awaken your creativity. Flow with the music and allow yourself to experiment. Enjoy your boundlessness.” Her advice is to sing, dance, be creative, and/or make music.

Oonagh is a Celtic goddess of lightness/ease. Her message is: “To really be involved in a relationship/project is a long-term commitment, which one should not enter upon lightly. It is so important to me what happens to my planet and loved ones that I will stick by them no matter what. That is not always easy, but it is the only way I can be sure that everything will be resolved and heal. I listen to my heart. I show my loved ones how much they mean to me. I do something to keep matters moving. Don’t worry about other people’s opinions – you profit by pursuing your main goals. You will feel good when you create time and space for matters of the heart. Do what you need to do, and do it with your whole heart. And remember, there is no competition for the true purpose in life, so you don’t have to worry, hurry, or put pressure on yourself.” She says everything will happen in good time. Nor should I take any drastic measures. One step at a time, consistently moving forward, is the best way to go. Ease gently into your new life, don’t be in a rush.

I bet both cards are appropriate for others besides me today, and stumbling upon them here and now is very close to picking them. That’s why I’m sharing them.

I’m following Sarasvati’s advice and surrounding myself in music. One magical song I've been listening to is "Hide in your shell" by Supertramp. Youtube-it! I was 15 when it came out. It was one of the few times I felt understood. I don’t think it needs more comment.

Lost Time

I’m so glad I wrote that about the blessings of bulimia, because I realized it wasn’t all lost time. Ever since I recovered, I’ve been going at a steady pace, sometimes frenetic, and definitely with shades of workaholic behavior woven into the pattern. The other day I realized that this is related to the chip on my shoulder: I feel like because I lost so much time through the sickness I have to make up for it.

There are so many projects. There is so much I want to accomplish in this short lifetime, and I wasted so much time! So I’ve been busting my a– to make up for it. That really isn’t the way to go. If I continue at this pace, I’ll end up dropping from sheer exhaustion. My social life and relaxation generally wait on the back burner. But there’s so much going on, I’ll never get around to them if I don’t make the time.

The other day, I was on the phone with my mother. She reminded me of what Granny used to say: “Did you get outside today? Did you smell the flowers?” I didn’t lose time. I’m right on schedule, even though I would have planned it differently. But I’m not the one who plans this stuff, I’m just a dot in the universe! Today’s note is short, because I’m going to practice yoga – now!

Have a great day! And please do me a favor, let’s everybody do something nice for themselves and someone else today! Just for fun!