What do all of these words have to do with each other? They are all essential ingredients for the recipe of daily life. I often find when just one of them is missing, things tend to slide out of alignment.
Hope we need for encouragement. No matter how things look, but especially on those dark days, we need to hope for the best. We hope for ourselves, but also for others —for all of humanity. There is still hope that we as a species can get it together and realize we are not in this alone. To this aim, the individual contribution is essential.
Dreams we need to show us the way. They illumine our aspirations and goals. They are the distant images of all that we can be. We need to believe in ourselves and our dreams, trust in the universal energy, and dare to achieve great things. Yet these great achievements are not about reaching some goal so that we can proudly strut around and say: “Look at me. I’ve done great things.” No, for me these remarkable achievements are to be expected — a wonderful, but also logical fulfillment of each person’s purpose in life.
Which brings me to humility. Occasionally I do something really well and feel exquisite happiness. Without humility, this joy would transform into self-complacency. I need to remain alert, always do my best, believe in myself but know there is always room for improvement. I want to remember that a job well done is simply part of my destiny.
It’s okay to feel happiness or enjoy praise — in moderation. Last year I had a good example of that. I was well-prepared for a concert, and it really went over well. A couple of months later, I gave another concert. Riding on the success and good feelings from the previous one, I didn’t have my heart in it as much. It was more like going through the motions and expecting the audience to react the same as the previous audience. The energy was lacking, afterwards I was dissatisfied, and then it became clear to me: Every concert is a new experience. Each time I need to be centered, put my whole heart into it, and be humble. I cannot assume that it will go over well, just because it did once. That was a valuable lesson.
These valuable lessons are cause for gratitude. I am grateful for everything I learn, for each step I can take. Even if the price seems to be exorbitant, the results are also impressive. When gratitude is lacking, insatiability can run rampant. We get caught up in wanting more, bigger, and better, and lose touch with where we came from and what it’s all about.
Sometimes the key to progress and success is simple patience. To be patient with one’s self and the course of things is necessary at times. When I trust that I am doing my best — without burning the candle at both ends — that gives me confidence to trust that all is well. All is as it should be. I do what I can, and the rest is up to higher power, the universe, and time. All good things will come with time.
Don’t even think for a minute that I’m writing this because I think I know everything and have the answers. Although, now that I write that, I do have the answers and knowledge. But that doesn’t always help. Doubt and impatience still manage to rise up at times and the confidence, trust, hope and dreams seem to disintegrate before my eyes.
During the past week I have experienced how essential it is to (re)connect with hope. When I start to slip down into that dark space, or if I’ve been there for a while, I need to seek the light — even if it means crawling on my hands and knees to get there. Or it means admitting great sorrow about the plight of an individual or the masses, and nevertheless going out into the world and being open to receive guidance. My experience at the Buddhist Monastery was a wonderful illustration of what can happen when I open up, rather than hide with my sadness in solitude.
For today, I wish that all of us will find the appropriate proportions of each of these ingredients to mix for a fulfilling day. Yes, I am humble today. I don’t make this wish for a whole life, just for this day. One day on which everything fits together is precious. Do your best, but be patient and know that time is an element of every success. Be resourceful and creative, and trust that the universe will be equally creative and bring you opportunities you’d never imagined.
It can be helpful just to let go of a mindset. Open up to new possibilities, new ways of relating to life, situations and other people. The rules and patterns we absorbed from the moment we were born do not have to determine our path. The magic of being human is that we can reflect, think logically and consciously make changes! That is a miracle.
Showing posts with label opportunity to learn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label opportunity to learn. Show all posts
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Expect a miracle
I wasn’t going to write today, because the mood is rather subdued. I ran over a cat while I was driving home last night and feel terrible about it. Not that I could have prevented it. I was driving slow enough, but it just shot out of nowhere right in front of me. Until last night, I’d always managed to stop. There are several cats in the neighborhood and I’m used to watching out for them. So today I am pondering how suddenly things in life can change — from one second to the next, and how important it is to always be aware and alert. In the now. I intended to pick a goddess card, but got distracted. (By the way, here’s the name to google: Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards if anyone is interested.)
In the meantime, I just heard from a friend that his son’s illness has worsened and they don’t expect him to live more than a few days. That really devastated me. I’d known he was ill, but he’d been stable for a while, so I kind of expected him to recover.
When I got the email about his son, I sat here and cried, not knowing what to answer. We’d planned to meet tomorrow, and he was cancelling due to the worsening situation. I sat quietly. I did not want to already offer condolences. Then I knew what to say. I told him what I’d heard just the other day: “As long as you are breathing, there is hope.” And I promised to light a candle, which I’ve already done.
The friend I had moaned to this morning about the cat wrote back and asked me which goddess card I’d picked. I had completely forgotten about it! (I’d mentioned to her that it seemed like it was a good day to pick a card.) In the middle of writing back, I stopped, not wanting to get distracted again. The deck nearly split as I lay out the cards.
Who did I pick? Mother Mary. She says: “Expect a miracle. Trust that your prayers will be heard. Trust is the light which shines upon your path. Without trust, the future appears to be terrifying. Thus it is necessary for you to take every step in good faith and trust. Please don’t give up hope — not for yourself and not for others. Let the light of faith shine in your soul. Even the smallest spark of hope can chase away the darkness of doubt. Be the light that can shine for others when they lose hope. When you support others, you not only help yourself. You help the whole world.” She advises one to “Think positive. Let go of all worries and fears. Be aware and follow the godly direction you receive. Pray. Focus on spiritual healing.”
That is exactly what I needed to hear. I will pray and trust and expect a miracle. I cannot determine ahead of time what the miracle will be, but I will pray until I glow with hope and faith, and that miracle will occur.
Remember: As long as you are breathing, there is hope.
In the meantime, I just heard from a friend that his son’s illness has worsened and they don’t expect him to live more than a few days. That really devastated me. I’d known he was ill, but he’d been stable for a while, so I kind of expected him to recover.
When I got the email about his son, I sat here and cried, not knowing what to answer. We’d planned to meet tomorrow, and he was cancelling due to the worsening situation. I sat quietly. I did not want to already offer condolences. Then I knew what to say. I told him what I’d heard just the other day: “As long as you are breathing, there is hope.” And I promised to light a candle, which I’ve already done.
The friend I had moaned to this morning about the cat wrote back and asked me which goddess card I’d picked. I had completely forgotten about it! (I’d mentioned to her that it seemed like it was a good day to pick a card.) In the middle of writing back, I stopped, not wanting to get distracted again. The deck nearly split as I lay out the cards.
Who did I pick? Mother Mary. She says: “Expect a miracle. Trust that your prayers will be heard. Trust is the light which shines upon your path. Without trust, the future appears to be terrifying. Thus it is necessary for you to take every step in good faith and trust. Please don’t give up hope — not for yourself and not for others. Let the light of faith shine in your soul. Even the smallest spark of hope can chase away the darkness of doubt. Be the light that can shine for others when they lose hope. When you support others, you not only help yourself. You help the whole world.” She advises one to “Think positive. Let go of all worries and fears. Be aware and follow the godly direction you receive. Pray. Focus on spiritual healing.”
That is exactly what I needed to hear. I will pray and trust and expect a miracle. I cannot determine ahead of time what the miracle will be, but I will pray until I glow with hope and faith, and that miracle will occur.
Remember: As long as you are breathing, there is hope.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Getting a handle on what I can handle
I was going to call this the Monday morning ramble, but I just realized it’s Wednesday. No, I’m not totally withdrawn or out of touch with the world, I’m just tired and it’s that Monday morning atmosphere. I’ve been wondering lately what it is that made me go along with so many things. Looking back, I think I was so thrilled about recovering that I let other things slide. It was ingrained in my head that as long as I wasn’t bingeing and/or puking everything else was fine, and I lost touch. It really is a tightrope act — to balance between being justifiably relieved and thrilled to recover, but then humble enough to acknowledge that there is definitely more to life than the survival mode.
A recognizable pattern is emerging. There is a tendency to make a change, be elated, sail along with this for a while, meanwhile slipping backwards so slowly that it only becomes apparent when this reverse process is rather advanced. Relationships are a good example. We have a really good 4-hour talk and everything comes out. Afterwards, I am exhausted, relieved and optimistic. For a few weeks the communication continues, but at the same time it gradually subsides. Soon enough, the walls are back up, the wordlessness has resumed, and it makes me wonder if anything actually happened. I need to be aware every day of what I am doing.
There is a tendency to get comfortable and rest on one’s laurels, but beware! Resting too long can jeopardize further development. On the other hand, it takes what it takes. If I don’t get it right the first time - or the ninth time - I’ll just keep getting the chance. Every day it is possible to start over, start new. I just bear in mind that things also get more complicated with every new chance, which brings me to the conclusion that I want to deal with as much as possible now. Recently I met with my former therapist. He said, “You’re not the fastest, but you’re steady in your development.” Part of that has to do with the amount of hidden excess baggage that I still carry and only now become aware of. With this new revelation, I think I’d like to accelerate just a tiny bit.
Once it was a comfort to trust that god/higher power only gives us what we can handle. That is comforting, but it contains a challenge as well. When I recognize that there is something to do, that is the time to act on it. Oh, but it’s not easy to know what to do! And then there’s also a balance to maintain between personal issues and concern for those around us. What a world! What a life!
Meanwhile I read the morning paper. Catastrophes abound. Millions of people are starving, refugees, homeless because of flooding. Oil is at an all-time high. Prices for everything are rising. Yet another case of child sexual abuse has been reported. From the obituary page I see that I’ll be attending a funeral tomorrow. Coma drinking among teenagers is on the rise. And somebody found a bag with 16,000 Euros in it and brought it to the police. The delighted rightful owner rewarded generously. My horoscope says I should go for a walk. My thoughts wander and eventually come upon Gilda Radner’s famous words: “It’s always something!”
Ideally I want to remain cheerful and optimistic, open and ready to face each new (or old) challenge as a gift — something to learn from. I want to be patient, not put excessive pressure on myself, yet not procrastinate. I guess that’s where higher power comes in. I think I’ll ask h.p. once again to help me be honest and realistic, and not beat on myself just because I don’t get everything right the first time around.
A recognizable pattern is emerging. There is a tendency to make a change, be elated, sail along with this for a while, meanwhile slipping backwards so slowly that it only becomes apparent when this reverse process is rather advanced. Relationships are a good example. We have a really good 4-hour talk and everything comes out. Afterwards, I am exhausted, relieved and optimistic. For a few weeks the communication continues, but at the same time it gradually subsides. Soon enough, the walls are back up, the wordlessness has resumed, and it makes me wonder if anything actually happened. I need to be aware every day of what I am doing.
There is a tendency to get comfortable and rest on one’s laurels, but beware! Resting too long can jeopardize further development. On the other hand, it takes what it takes. If I don’t get it right the first time - or the ninth time - I’ll just keep getting the chance. Every day it is possible to start over, start new. I just bear in mind that things also get more complicated with every new chance, which brings me to the conclusion that I want to deal with as much as possible now. Recently I met with my former therapist. He said, “You’re not the fastest, but you’re steady in your development.” Part of that has to do with the amount of hidden excess baggage that I still carry and only now become aware of. With this new revelation, I think I’d like to accelerate just a tiny bit.
Once it was a comfort to trust that god/higher power only gives us what we can handle. That is comforting, but it contains a challenge as well. When I recognize that there is something to do, that is the time to act on it. Oh, but it’s not easy to know what to do! And then there’s also a balance to maintain between personal issues and concern for those around us. What a world! What a life!
Meanwhile I read the morning paper. Catastrophes abound. Millions of people are starving, refugees, homeless because of flooding. Oil is at an all-time high. Prices for everything are rising. Yet another case of child sexual abuse has been reported. From the obituary page I see that I’ll be attending a funeral tomorrow. Coma drinking among teenagers is on the rise. And somebody found a bag with 16,000 Euros in it and brought it to the police. The delighted rightful owner rewarded generously. My horoscope says I should go for a walk. My thoughts wander and eventually come upon Gilda Radner’s famous words: “It’s always something!”
Ideally I want to remain cheerful and optimistic, open and ready to face each new (or old) challenge as a gift — something to learn from. I want to be patient, not put excessive pressure on myself, yet not procrastinate. I guess that’s where higher power comes in. I think I’ll ask h.p. once again to help me be honest and realistic, and not beat on myself just because I don’t get everything right the first time around.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Obsessing, prophetic winks and book recommendations
When I have thought about a problematic situation endlessly and come to no clear conclusion (some people call this obsessing), that seems to be the time to let go and do something else. Then, to my surprise, if not the answer then at least suggestions seem to appear from nowhere. Although this has occurred countless times, it never ceases to amaze me.
Where do the answers come from? A telephone conversation, a billboard, a newspaper article, an ad in the subway, a book I’m reading. Books especially seem to provide the best answers. I can remember going through a difficult time with my daughter - one of those phases during which I feel like I did everything wrong and I just don’t know what to do. At that time, I was reading a book about Sri Ramana Maharshi, and the strangest things happened. It is quite a thick book, so it took a while to get through it. During that time, I often had the feeling that his spirit was with me. I had vivid dreams. Often I would think about a problem, pick up the book, and an answer would be there. That was a very special experience.
At one of my lowest points, the person narrating the story told about his own childhood and how his father had done his utmost to prevent his son from becoming a holy man, as the astrologers had predicted at his birth. Despite all of his father’s efforts, and ignorant of them until much later, the man fulfilled his destiny. When I read that, I thought to myself: “And I am trying to nurture my daughter, not stand in her way. Surely she will find her way and fulfill her own destiny.” (That was a borrowed book and I don’t remember the name.)
Recently, I’ve read books about strong women. That wasn’t my intention, but it just seemed to happen, and was exactly what I needed. I read Left to Tell by Immaculée Ilibagiza, who told her amazing story of surviving the Rwandan holocaust in 1994. In A Circle of Quiet Madeleine L’Engle talks about keeping on, despite various struggles, believing in herself, and finally having success with her book A Wrinkle in Time. In fiction I read Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende. In the early 1980’s I first read My Life by Isadora Duncan, and have carried that small paperback with me across the ocean and through several different apartments. Recently, it whispered to me from the bookshelf “read me!” - so I did, and was duly inspired by her free, matter-of-fact thinking. It seems as though she never doubted herself and was totally merged with the universe.
For the past 6 months I’ve been reading the biography of Frida Kahlo from Hayden Herrera. That is taking a long time. Yet each time I pick it up again, the timing is perfect. It had been several weeks again, and last night I decided to read further. I just happened to be at the part where she had separated from her husband (whom she later remarried) and wanted to make it on her own. She was having a difficult time and wrote to a friend: “This is the absolute worst time of my life. I don’t know how I’ll get through this.” As the author wrote in the closing sentence to that chapter, “but of course she did indeed get through it.” What better encouragement can I ask for?
Then there are affirmations and oracles, like Heart Thoughts: A treasure of inner wisdom by Louise Hay. That is good for simply opening up to the right page to find an affirmation that suits the day exactly. Or my Goddess cards. People smile sceptically when I tell them, but the cards are always right on. (Haven’t picked one for a while. I think I’ll do that after I finish writing this.) Recently I picked the same card two days in a row. It was telling me among other things to get outdoors, get fresh air, move. I prefer indoor activities like reading, listening to music, writing and talking on the phone. On the third day, I was a bit annoyed and thought, “I don’t want to get that card again. I don’t WANT to go outside.” Well, I picked a different goddess, but this one also told me to go outside. I had to laugh, and ended up going for a walk. I grudgingly admit that I felt better afterwards.
I won’t go beyond mentioning the impact of music and lyrics. Lyrics have always been a fascinating source of emotional nourishment for as long as I can remember. As a ten-year-old I copied a quote from the song ”I am a rock” by Simon and Garfunkel into my diary. I felt so understood!! There is a wealth of support to be found there.
What I’m saying is, I don’t recommend running away from one’s problems. Rather, if the approach up until now hasn’t worked, then maybe it’s time to let go of it. Let go of trying to control and figure everything out. Quiet down, open up and see what’s out there. Find out about other people - what they are doing, going through, have been through, and what they have to say about their experiences. Although it is not easy to let go, and can be a little scary (fear of the unknown?!), there is also something very exciting about making a change and trying something new. For myself, I am at a turning point, and I’m definitely open to a new approach. So many old behavior and thought patterns stopped working or never worked. I’m ready for new ones. By the way, I’ve heard from several people about the worst time of their lives - and they got through it!
As an afterthought, I’ve gotten really sloppy about going to the gym regularly. I always seem to be so busy. Last year I was in better shape. What did my horoscope in today’s paper say? Exactly that: “A year ago you were in much better shape physically. Do something!!” So, I will consult my goddess cards, and then I will get to the gym today!
Where do the answers come from? A telephone conversation, a billboard, a newspaper article, an ad in the subway, a book I’m reading. Books especially seem to provide the best answers. I can remember going through a difficult time with my daughter - one of those phases during which I feel like I did everything wrong and I just don’t know what to do. At that time, I was reading a book about Sri Ramana Maharshi, and the strangest things happened. It is quite a thick book, so it took a while to get through it. During that time, I often had the feeling that his spirit was with me. I had vivid dreams. Often I would think about a problem, pick up the book, and an answer would be there. That was a very special experience.
At one of my lowest points, the person narrating the story told about his own childhood and how his father had done his utmost to prevent his son from becoming a holy man, as the astrologers had predicted at his birth. Despite all of his father’s efforts, and ignorant of them until much later, the man fulfilled his destiny. When I read that, I thought to myself: “And I am trying to nurture my daughter, not stand in her way. Surely she will find her way and fulfill her own destiny.” (That was a borrowed book and I don’t remember the name.)
Recently, I’ve read books about strong women. That wasn’t my intention, but it just seemed to happen, and was exactly what I needed. I read Left to Tell by Immaculée Ilibagiza, who told her amazing story of surviving the Rwandan holocaust in 1994. In A Circle of Quiet Madeleine L’Engle talks about keeping on, despite various struggles, believing in herself, and finally having success with her book A Wrinkle in Time. In fiction I read Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende. In the early 1980’s I first read My Life by Isadora Duncan, and have carried that small paperback with me across the ocean and through several different apartments. Recently, it whispered to me from the bookshelf “read me!” - so I did, and was duly inspired by her free, matter-of-fact thinking. It seems as though she never doubted herself and was totally merged with the universe.
For the past 6 months I’ve been reading the biography of Frida Kahlo from Hayden Herrera. That is taking a long time. Yet each time I pick it up again, the timing is perfect. It had been several weeks again, and last night I decided to read further. I just happened to be at the part where she had separated from her husband (whom she later remarried) and wanted to make it on her own. She was having a difficult time and wrote to a friend: “This is the absolute worst time of my life. I don’t know how I’ll get through this.” As the author wrote in the closing sentence to that chapter, “but of course she did indeed get through it.” What better encouragement can I ask for?
Then there are affirmations and oracles, like Heart Thoughts: A treasure of inner wisdom by Louise Hay. That is good for simply opening up to the right page to find an affirmation that suits the day exactly. Or my Goddess cards. People smile sceptically when I tell them, but the cards are always right on. (Haven’t picked one for a while. I think I’ll do that after I finish writing this.) Recently I picked the same card two days in a row. It was telling me among other things to get outdoors, get fresh air, move. I prefer indoor activities like reading, listening to music, writing and talking on the phone. On the third day, I was a bit annoyed and thought, “I don’t want to get that card again. I don’t WANT to go outside.” Well, I picked a different goddess, but this one also told me to go outside. I had to laugh, and ended up going for a walk. I grudgingly admit that I felt better afterwards.
I won’t go beyond mentioning the impact of music and lyrics. Lyrics have always been a fascinating source of emotional nourishment for as long as I can remember. As a ten-year-old I copied a quote from the song ”I am a rock” by Simon and Garfunkel into my diary. I felt so understood!! There is a wealth of support to be found there.
What I’m saying is, I don’t recommend running away from one’s problems. Rather, if the approach up until now hasn’t worked, then maybe it’s time to let go of it. Let go of trying to control and figure everything out. Quiet down, open up and see what’s out there. Find out about other people - what they are doing, going through, have been through, and what they have to say about their experiences. Although it is not easy to let go, and can be a little scary (fear of the unknown?!), there is also something very exciting about making a change and trying something new. For myself, I am at a turning point, and I’m definitely open to a new approach. So many old behavior and thought patterns stopped working or never worked. I’m ready for new ones. By the way, I’ve heard from several people about the worst time of their lives - and they got through it!
As an afterthought, I’ve gotten really sloppy about going to the gym regularly. I always seem to be so busy. Last year I was in better shape. What did my horoscope in today’s paper say? Exactly that: “A year ago you were in much better shape physically. Do something!!” So, I will consult my goddess cards, and then I will get to the gym today!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Sunday ramblings and revelations
I guess I’ll just dive in. I listened to calm music last night to fall asleep, and it wasn’t calm enough!! There was some percussion that kept jolting me. So I need to check out music for falling asleep. That doesn’t really surprise me, being a person of extremes. Now that I have surrendered to the need for calm music, it has to be REALLY calm! I put on the Gregorian chants, and that was better.
While cooking lunch today, my phone rang. It was my sleepyhead daughter calling from upstairs. She’d come home late the night before and had just woken up. With motherly intuition, I answered the phone: “Meals on wheels. How can I help you?” She replied, “I’m hungry. Can you make something with spinach?” I just happened to be making spinach crepes, which is one of her favorite meals. (It is odd: she doesn’t like many vegetables, but she likes spinach.)
Meal preparation is a good time to let one’s stream of consciousness run free. Various thoughts occurred to me. I’m still feeling helpless, as if I don’t have control over my life. I remember the year before my 26th birthday, when I decided it was now or never with recovery, because I had spent half my life as a bulimic. If I didn’t stop at 26, it would become more than half of my life.
I moved here (to my then-boyfriend-now-husband) when I was 23, and this fall I turn 46. Once again, that half-way point of life is lurking in the shadows of my consciousness. Maybe I’m going through this struggle all over again to better show what is involved in recovery - beyond the simple information on how it is possible. I wanted to offer my story as encouragement for recovery. What better way to emphasize that recovery is a life-long process than to share my next big step? It’s a little harder this time, because other people are involved - a husband and two children. Nor do I have any substances to get me through it. Alcohol doesn’t work. Nor do I want to smoke or eat sweets. What to do when there’s nothing left - nowhere to hide? I don’t know yet.
Once I had the necessary determination. I need it again. Maybe the bulimia recovery was just the dress rehearsal to prepare for true emotional recovery. This is the big show - the main performance. (Until the next one, that is!!) I learned to recover, to eat, to take fairly good care of myself, but emotionally didn’t quite restore the complete sense of self worth. Now it’s growing, and it’s a challenge to remain in the daily routine. In fact, I’m changing things step by step.
One very important step in recovery is humility. Every time I start to get too full of myself and think I’m on top of the world, something happens to remind me that I’m like everyone else. I need to remain humble and grateful for each day. That keeps me grounded. I’ve generally been the one to offer advice, be strong, help others, or play a leading role, so it is a strange feeling to be so slow on the path and look to others for guidance. But those ahead of me are also humble, and they encourage me - shining the light and beckoning for me to come join them. That is a wonderful gesture.
While cooking lunch today, my phone rang. It was my sleepyhead daughter calling from upstairs. She’d come home late the night before and had just woken up. With motherly intuition, I answered the phone: “Meals on wheels. How can I help you?” She replied, “I’m hungry. Can you make something with spinach?” I just happened to be making spinach crepes, which is one of her favorite meals. (It is odd: she doesn’t like many vegetables, but she likes spinach.)
Meal preparation is a good time to let one’s stream of consciousness run free. Various thoughts occurred to me. I’m still feeling helpless, as if I don’t have control over my life. I remember the year before my 26th birthday, when I decided it was now or never with recovery, because I had spent half my life as a bulimic. If I didn’t stop at 26, it would become more than half of my life.
I moved here (to my then-boyfriend-now-husband) when I was 23, and this fall I turn 46. Once again, that half-way point of life is lurking in the shadows of my consciousness. Maybe I’m going through this struggle all over again to better show what is involved in recovery - beyond the simple information on how it is possible. I wanted to offer my story as encouragement for recovery. What better way to emphasize that recovery is a life-long process than to share my next big step? It’s a little harder this time, because other people are involved - a husband and two children. Nor do I have any substances to get me through it. Alcohol doesn’t work. Nor do I want to smoke or eat sweets. What to do when there’s nothing left - nowhere to hide? I don’t know yet.
Once I had the necessary determination. I need it again. Maybe the bulimia recovery was just the dress rehearsal to prepare for true emotional recovery. This is the big show - the main performance. (Until the next one, that is!!) I learned to recover, to eat, to take fairly good care of myself, but emotionally didn’t quite restore the complete sense of self worth. Now it’s growing, and it’s a challenge to remain in the daily routine. In fact, I’m changing things step by step.
One very important step in recovery is humility. Every time I start to get too full of myself and think I’m on top of the world, something happens to remind me that I’m like everyone else. I need to remain humble and grateful for each day. That keeps me grounded. I’ve generally been the one to offer advice, be strong, help others, or play a leading role, so it is a strange feeling to be so slow on the path and look to others for guidance. But those ahead of me are also humble, and they encourage me - shining the light and beckoning for me to come join them. That is a wonderful gesture.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Lost Time
I’m so glad I wrote that about the blessings of bulimia, because I realized it wasn’t all lost time. Ever since I recovered, I’ve been going at a steady pace, sometimes frenetic, and definitely with shades of workaholic behavior woven into the pattern. The other day I realized that this is related to the chip on my shoulder: I feel like because I lost so much time through the sickness I have to make up for it.
There are so many projects. There is so much I want to accomplish in this short lifetime, and I wasted so much time! So I’ve been busting my a– to make up for it. That really isn’t the way to go. If I continue at this pace, I’ll end up dropping from sheer exhaustion. My social life and relaxation generally wait on the back burner. But there’s so much going on, I’ll never get around to them if I don’t make the time.
The other day, I was on the phone with my mother. She reminded me of what Granny used to say: “Did you get outside today? Did you smell the flowers?” I didn’t lose time. I’m right on schedule, even though I would have planned it differently. But I’m not the one who plans this stuff, I’m just a dot in the universe! Today’s note is short, because I’m going to practice yoga – now!
Have a great day! And please do me a favor, let’s everybody do something nice for themselves and someone else today! Just for fun!
There are so many projects. There is so much I want to accomplish in this short lifetime, and I wasted so much time! So I’ve been busting my a– to make up for it. That really isn’t the way to go. If I continue at this pace, I’ll end up dropping from sheer exhaustion. My social life and relaxation generally wait on the back burner. But there’s so much going on, I’ll never get around to them if I don’t make the time.
The other day, I was on the phone with my mother. She reminded me of what Granny used to say: “Did you get outside today? Did you smell the flowers?” I didn’t lose time. I’m right on schedule, even though I would have planned it differently. But I’m not the one who plans this stuff, I’m just a dot in the universe! Today’s note is short, because I’m going to practice yoga – now!
Have a great day! And please do me a favor, let’s everybody do something nice for themselves and someone else today! Just for fun!
Noticeable Change
Recently I hooked up with some spiritual, positive-thinking people, and feel a refreshing wave of hope and humanity returning to my life - and that, despite the sad world situation. It has often bothered me that I react with anger over stupid situations, and more often than not make a fool of myself. In the process, there is often a bad aftertaste on both sides. Most of the time, it has to do with being in a bad mood, feeling sorry for myself, or oh, so misunderstood. Then I tend to jump to conclusions, and more often than not, attack some innocent bystander verbally with my frustration.
Last Wednesday was different. I’d just come out from my singing lesson, and there was a huge truck parked behind my car, so I couldn’t leave the parking space. Feeling calm and optimistic, I looked at the driver’s seat - empty. Then I went around to the back and saw two guys unloading stuff. In a - get a load of this!! - friendly voice, I simply asked if they were going to be there for a long time, because they were blocking my car. One guy said, yes, but they could move the truck. I started to go back to my car, then I said, “Well, if you’re not going to be too much longer, I could quickly run to the store and let you finish what you’re doing.” The other guy said, “No, I’ll move the truck. It’s going to take us a while longer.” So he moved the truck back, I got out of the parking space, and drove by with a friendly wave.
Afterwards I felt a rush of — happiness through cooperation. I don’t know what else to call it. Sometimes I am so stuck in my world and feel like everyone is out to get me, especially when confronted with an unexpected obstacle. On the other hand, I so admire people who stay calm and simply cope with a situation, not assuming the worst. The realization that we are all in this together, that they were just doing their work, and that we can solve little and big problems with friendly, considerate communication is clear enough, just sometimes the stress of daily life blinds me to that.
Looked at from a different, more generous perspective, such situations are opportunities to connect, to celebrate our common humanity and utilize our wonderful gift of being human: We have the ability to think before we speak, and to see things in a positive way. We can be open and assume the best instead of the worst. I don’t mean to make such a big deal of this, but for me it is. I really prefer when that better part of me shines through. That does indeed have an effect. All of us left the interaction in a good way, so we were more inclined to be kind and friendly to the next person we met. Like a pebble tossed into a lake…
Last Wednesday was different. I’d just come out from my singing lesson, and there was a huge truck parked behind my car, so I couldn’t leave the parking space. Feeling calm and optimistic, I looked at the driver’s seat - empty. Then I went around to the back and saw two guys unloading stuff. In a - get a load of this!! - friendly voice, I simply asked if they were going to be there for a long time, because they were blocking my car. One guy said, yes, but they could move the truck. I started to go back to my car, then I said, “Well, if you’re not going to be too much longer, I could quickly run to the store and let you finish what you’re doing.” The other guy said, “No, I’ll move the truck. It’s going to take us a while longer.” So he moved the truck back, I got out of the parking space, and drove by with a friendly wave.
Afterwards I felt a rush of — happiness through cooperation. I don’t know what else to call it. Sometimes I am so stuck in my world and feel like everyone is out to get me, especially when confronted with an unexpected obstacle. On the other hand, I so admire people who stay calm and simply cope with a situation, not assuming the worst. The realization that we are all in this together, that they were just doing their work, and that we can solve little and big problems with friendly, considerate communication is clear enough, just sometimes the stress of daily life blinds me to that.
Looked at from a different, more generous perspective, such situations are opportunities to connect, to celebrate our common humanity and utilize our wonderful gift of being human: We have the ability to think before we speak, and to see things in a positive way. We can be open and assume the best instead of the worst. I don’t mean to make such a big deal of this, but for me it is. I really prefer when that better part of me shines through. That does indeed have an effect. All of us left the interaction in a good way, so we were more inclined to be kind and friendly to the next person we met. Like a pebble tossed into a lake…
Monday, June 9, 2008
Early Morning Coffee
Well, I was rather annoyed because - being the nice mother I am - I offered to drive my daughter to the bus stop in the pouring rain this morning. The annoying part was, she was so slow-moving, that she managed to miss the bus and I ended up driving her to school. But that’s okay. I made a point of getting out of bed on the right foot this morning (which in my case happens to be my left foot), so I came home, had breakfast, and am settled with a cup of coffee at the computer.
As I said, it’s raining and dreary outside, which makes it a wonderful day for keyboard rambling. I have hesitated to mention this in more detail, because in a sense I started this blog to tell people about my book. You know: “Look at me, I am healthy. Read my story and you can recover, too.” I am 100% convinced about the story, but the catch is: I didn’t live happily ever after. In fact, as I’ve already mentioned, things have been building up inside recently.
This is what happened. I wrote my book, and in that process a lot of stuff came up again. The book is comprised of nearly 50 journals, which I wrote between the ages of 10 and 31 years. Most of it I had completely forgotten. So that first round was quite heavy, including a depressive break of a few months. Rather, I took a few months off, otherwise I would have become seriously depressed. Still, I managed.
I live in a German-speaking country, so during the past year I translated the book. I don’t know why, but through the process of translating, it all hit me even harder. Perhaps because in my mother language, it was all rather automated and I read it more as an editor. Whereas translating it into a different language really made me think.
I know, I am meandering, but that is my style, and this is difficult besides. I finished this round of work on the book with a lot of sadness, because I realized a few things. First of all, my heart has always been elsewhere, but I never pursued it honestly, because I was convinced that I am not loveable. Ouch! Second, I never really had anything in common with my husband, except that he was willing to put up with me. Ouch again!
This past Christmas I went home to New York City for one week. What does one do with so little time? Of course - I went to Barnes & Noble. And there I was looking for 2 specific books. I didn’t find either one, but I ended up with three wonderful books: one on Arthur Rimbaud & Jim Morrison, one compiled collection of sample writings from the beat generation, and one on verbally abusive men (by Patricia Evans). It took me nearly half an hour of leafing through before I could convince myself that the third book might be applicable. I read that book on a train ride along the Hudson River and time and again felt tears of relief brimming. “Oh, it’s not all me! It’s not my fault! He really is not behaving appropriately!” I hate to admit it, but it took me 23 years in this relationship to accept the gut feeling that I am not happy with him nor will I ever be.
Don’t get me wrong! He’s wonderful - kind, reliable, faithful, generous, isn’t an alcoholic, doesn’t hit me, doesn’t smoke, gives me my freedom to do as I please. But from the beginning, I loved him most when we were separated, and always breathed a sigh of relief when he went away on business. And he knew enough not to be too nice to me. I’ve already mentioned that - because if he were too nice, I would have considered him a jerk like all the rest and left him early on. The bad part is, he’s neat and I’m sloppy - and that’s just the beginning. He makes me feel stupid, can be very condescending, looks at me like I am a jerk. Sometimes I have difficulty with the language, which doesn’t help. If I say “What?” three times, he often says, “Oh, forget it.” But after all these years, he hasn’t learned to speak loudly or clearly enough to avoid that, as some of my other friends do.
I am still not completely sure how much of the problems have to do with my acting out patterns that I learned as a child. I consider this situation an opportunity to grow. Perhaps I’m crazy, scared, or maybe just procrastinating, but at the moment, I am changing the interaction, and then I’ll see what happens. To leave now, I feel like I would be setting a bad example for my children, and probably pick up the same problems with the next relationship (after the honeymoon, of course). I want to work things through, so that we can separate as two mature adults. That may be wishful thinking. In fact, we might even change our relating to such an extent that we get along better, and according to the book I read, some men can change. Either way, I believe this relationship is an opportunity to learn, and perhaps it’s lasted so long because I’ve been too afraid to learn. Instead of speaking out, I hid in my room and cried alone.
At this point I am focussing on growth within the present situation. I am also focussing on getting my life together. I am not in a position (yet) to simply leave. Actually, I feel a certain elative thrill as I learn to stick up for myself. If he gives me a “stupid” look, I don’t accept it. I give it back and clearly explain what I did/said, etc. and why it makes sense. That also takes a lot of energy and awareness, but I feel better than I do expending the energy to suffer quietly, anticipate his every reaction, or try to keep harmony at all costs. While other people were “walking on sunshine” as Katrina sang, I was walking on eggshells. Now I’m trampling the eggshells, scooping them up and scattering them on the compost heap, convinced that something better will grow, and I’m ready to walk on sunshine!
So, I hope I’m not disappointing anybody by not sticking to the “I am recovered and holier than thou” routine, but that just wouldn’t be authentic. And right now, authenticity is what it’s all about. Just through blogging I have come across some wonderful people, and it warms my heart. In the long run, that’s really what it’s about - sharing and participating in a community. And from what I’ve heard, abusive relationships are no rarity! Especially among people who have/had eating disorders!
Today’s message in a nutshell: Let’s talk about this stuff! And like I said the other day: Recovery is life, so it’s an ongoing process. I thought my book would close one chapter of my life, but it turned around on me and opened a new one!
As I said, it’s raining and dreary outside, which makes it a wonderful day for keyboard rambling. I have hesitated to mention this in more detail, because in a sense I started this blog to tell people about my book. You know: “Look at me, I am healthy. Read my story and you can recover, too.” I am 100% convinced about the story, but the catch is: I didn’t live happily ever after. In fact, as I’ve already mentioned, things have been building up inside recently.
This is what happened. I wrote my book, and in that process a lot of stuff came up again. The book is comprised of nearly 50 journals, which I wrote between the ages of 10 and 31 years. Most of it I had completely forgotten. So that first round was quite heavy, including a depressive break of a few months. Rather, I took a few months off, otherwise I would have become seriously depressed. Still, I managed.
I live in a German-speaking country, so during the past year I translated the book. I don’t know why, but through the process of translating, it all hit me even harder. Perhaps because in my mother language, it was all rather automated and I read it more as an editor. Whereas translating it into a different language really made me think.
I know, I am meandering, but that is my style, and this is difficult besides. I finished this round of work on the book with a lot of sadness, because I realized a few things. First of all, my heart has always been elsewhere, but I never pursued it honestly, because I was convinced that I am not loveable. Ouch! Second, I never really had anything in common with my husband, except that he was willing to put up with me. Ouch again!
This past Christmas I went home to New York City for one week. What does one do with so little time? Of course - I went to Barnes & Noble. And there I was looking for 2 specific books. I didn’t find either one, but I ended up with three wonderful books: one on Arthur Rimbaud & Jim Morrison, one compiled collection of sample writings from the beat generation, and one on verbally abusive men (by Patricia Evans). It took me nearly half an hour of leafing through before I could convince myself that the third book might be applicable. I read that book on a train ride along the Hudson River and time and again felt tears of relief brimming. “Oh, it’s not all me! It’s not my fault! He really is not behaving appropriately!” I hate to admit it, but it took me 23 years in this relationship to accept the gut feeling that I am not happy with him nor will I ever be.
Don’t get me wrong! He’s wonderful - kind, reliable, faithful, generous, isn’t an alcoholic, doesn’t hit me, doesn’t smoke, gives me my freedom to do as I please. But from the beginning, I loved him most when we were separated, and always breathed a sigh of relief when he went away on business. And he knew enough not to be too nice to me. I’ve already mentioned that - because if he were too nice, I would have considered him a jerk like all the rest and left him early on. The bad part is, he’s neat and I’m sloppy - and that’s just the beginning. He makes me feel stupid, can be very condescending, looks at me like I am a jerk. Sometimes I have difficulty with the language, which doesn’t help. If I say “What?” three times, he often says, “Oh, forget it.” But after all these years, he hasn’t learned to speak loudly or clearly enough to avoid that, as some of my other friends do.
I am still not completely sure how much of the problems have to do with my acting out patterns that I learned as a child. I consider this situation an opportunity to grow. Perhaps I’m crazy, scared, or maybe just procrastinating, but at the moment, I am changing the interaction, and then I’ll see what happens. To leave now, I feel like I would be setting a bad example for my children, and probably pick up the same problems with the next relationship (after the honeymoon, of course). I want to work things through, so that we can separate as two mature adults. That may be wishful thinking. In fact, we might even change our relating to such an extent that we get along better, and according to the book I read, some men can change. Either way, I believe this relationship is an opportunity to learn, and perhaps it’s lasted so long because I’ve been too afraid to learn. Instead of speaking out, I hid in my room and cried alone.
At this point I am focussing on growth within the present situation. I am also focussing on getting my life together. I am not in a position (yet) to simply leave. Actually, I feel a certain elative thrill as I learn to stick up for myself. If he gives me a “stupid” look, I don’t accept it. I give it back and clearly explain what I did/said, etc. and why it makes sense. That also takes a lot of energy and awareness, but I feel better than I do expending the energy to suffer quietly, anticipate his every reaction, or try to keep harmony at all costs. While other people were “walking on sunshine” as Katrina sang, I was walking on eggshells. Now I’m trampling the eggshells, scooping them up and scattering them on the compost heap, convinced that something better will grow, and I’m ready to walk on sunshine!
So, I hope I’m not disappointing anybody by not sticking to the “I am recovered and holier than thou” routine, but that just wouldn’t be authentic. And right now, authenticity is what it’s all about. Just through blogging I have come across some wonderful people, and it warms my heart. In the long run, that’s really what it’s about - sharing and participating in a community. And from what I’ve heard, abusive relationships are no rarity! Especially among people who have/had eating disorders!
Today’s message in a nutshell: Let’s talk about this stuff! And like I said the other day: Recovery is life, so it’s an ongoing process. I thought my book would close one chapter of my life, but it turned around on me and opened a new one!
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