Expect a miracle

I wasn’t going to write today, because the mood is rather subdued. I ran over a cat while I was driving home last night and feel terrible about it. Not that I could have prevented it. I was driving slow enough, but it just shot out of nowhere right in front of me. Until last night, I’d always managed to stop. There are several cats in the neighborhood and I’m used to watching out for them. So today I am pondering how suddenly things in life can change — from one second to the next, and how important it is to always be aware and alert. In the now. I intended to pick a goddess card, but got distracted. (By the way, here’s the name to google: Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards if anyone is interested.)

In the meantime, I just heard from a friend that his son’s illness has worsened and they don’t expect him to live more than a few days. That really devastated me. I’d known he was ill, but he’d been stable for a while, so I kind of expected him to recover.

When I got the email about his son, I sat here and cried, not knowing what to answer. We’d planned to meet tomorrow, and he was cancelling due to the worsening situation. I sat quietly. I did not want to already offer condolences. Then I knew what to say. I told him what I’d heard just the other day: “As long as you are breathing, there is hope.” And I promised to light a candle, which I’ve already done.

The friend I had moaned to this morning about the cat wrote back and asked me which goddess card I’d picked. I had completely forgotten about it! (I’d mentioned to her that it seemed like it was a good day to pick a card.) In the middle of writing back, I stopped, not wanting to get distracted again. The deck nearly split as I lay out the cards.

Who did I pick? Mother Mary. She says: “Expect a miracle. Trust that your prayers will be heard. Trust is the light which shines upon your path. Without trust, the future appears to be terrifying. Thus it is necessary for you to take every step in good faith and trust. Please don’t give up hope — not for yourself and not for others. Let the light of faith shine in your soul. Even the smallest spark of hope can chase away the darkness of doubt. Be the light that can shine for others when they lose hope. When you support others, you not only help yourself. You help the whole world.” She advises one to “Think positive. Let go of all worries and fears. Be aware and follow the godly direction you receive. Pray. Focus on spiritual healing.”

That is exactly what I needed to hear. I will pray and trust and expect a miracle. I cannot determine ahead of time what the miracle will be, but I will pray until I glow with hope and faith, and that miracle will occur.
Remember: As long as you are breathing, there is hope.

Daily stuff or: Why am I not satisfied?

After my comments yesterday about the windows, what did I hear on the radio this morning? The woman who does the early show actually had the nerve to announce for everyone to hear that today is a good day to wash windows! So it looks like that’s what I’ll be doing. Writing about housework yesterday inspired me with the motivation to take on some larger tasks today, above and beyond the daily maintenance stuff. My secret is to put on good, loud, energizing music. Generally I listen to “Die Toten Hosen” - a German punk band. One time I was cleaning the bathroom, listening to “Warum werde ich nicht satt?” (”why am I never satisfied?”) and I had to laugh. I’m definitely on this planet with a higher calling than scrubbing toilets, but that is part of life!

If this all seems too non-bulimic in content, by the way, don’t be fooled. Part of recovery is also learning to be silly, laugh, and generally take the serious business of life (and ourselves) a tad less seriously. A playful, open, creative approach can go a long way. In a sense, it’s that childlike attitude that we adults tend to mourn losing, as we rediscover it in our own children and marvel at their ability to live in the now.

Since there is no specific topic today and I’m just finishing my coffee before starting those windows, I want to mention how happy I am that some bulimics have contacted me. It is not only rewarding to hear that my site has been a “blessing” to them (as one woman wrote), but also encourages me that I am on the right path. Originally, my book was supposed to be the way to reach people with my story. It still is. But that was before I’d heard of blogging. I consider blogging a wonderful way to reach out — both to give support and to seek it. It’s like one big anonymous meeting at my fingertips, available any time of day — at everyone’s convenience. Perfect! I’ve often complained about being born into this age of hi-tech, but this invention is definitely positive!

I think it’s wonderful that a few people have gathered their courage together and taken the step to contact me, simply because in that process they were able to let go of some denial, admit they have a problem and realize that they want to do something about it. That is a process of its own, and can take a while. I am not a therapist, but have collected a wealth of experience and have a lot to share. If it is an option, I strongly recommend therapy — either individual or group. Both possibilites I have used and both were helpful. In the meantime, feel free to continue writing, asking questions or just commenting.

Spring wake-up efforts

After a workout at the gym today, I felt much better. I need to work out regularly. It helps me stay in shape, keeps me strong and in a better mood, prevents osteoporosis and weight gain. (Since passing 40, I’ve noticed a tendency to gain weight more easily if I don’t get enough exercise.) Sounds like a good deal to me! Okay, I’m motivated! (It’s kind of hard, because I’ve just never been the type that wants to do something all the time, though it does me good. But once I’m there, I enjoy it!) It just occurred to me that this recent slide into darkness coincided with my reduction in activity. I’m sure it’s connected. So if you’re feeling down, when’s the last time you moved that body?

But before I went to the gym, I picked two goddess cards – two because two made themselves noticeable. That does happen on occasion. (The deck is by Doreen Virtue, in case anyone is curious.) Who did I pick? First Sarasvati, then Oonagh beckoned. They were both appropriate. (The descriptions are my rough translation from German.)

Sarasvati is a Hindu goddess of the fine arts. Her message is: “You are a boundless being. If you perceive limits – be they temporal, financial or otherwise – that is only your perception, because you are focussed on the material world. You can remove these boundaries by changing your focus. Music is of major importance for the expression of non-materialistic ideals and energy. It helps us move beyond the limits of thinking and existence. Surround yourself with music and let it stimulate new ideas and awaken your creativity. Flow with the music and allow yourself to experiment. Enjoy your boundlessness.” Her advice is to sing, dance, be creative, and/or make music.

Oonagh is a Celtic goddess of lightness/ease. Her message is: “To really be involved in a relationship/project is a long-term commitment, which one should not enter upon lightly. It is so important to me what happens to my planet and loved ones that I will stick by them no matter what. That is not always easy, but it is the only way I can be sure that everything will be resolved and heal. I listen to my heart. I show my loved ones how much they mean to me. I do something to keep matters moving. Don’t worry about other people’s opinions – you profit by pursuing your main goals. You will feel good when you create time and space for matters of the heart. Do what you need to do, and do it with your whole heart. And remember, there is no competition for the true purpose in life, so you don’t have to worry, hurry, or put pressure on yourself.” She says everything will happen in good time. Nor should I take any drastic measures. One step at a time, consistently moving forward, is the best way to go. Ease gently into your new life, don’t be in a rush.

I bet both cards are appropriate for others besides me today, and stumbling upon them here and now is very close to picking them. That’s why I’m sharing them.

I’m following Sarasvati’s advice and surrounding myself in music. One magical song I've been listening to is "Hide in your shell" by Supertramp. Youtube-it! I was 15 when it came out. It was one of the few times I felt understood. I don’t think it needs more comment.

Hanging by a Thread

That’s what I’m doing emotionally these days, because my life is kind of upside down and really needs some shaking out. I spent some time reading inspirational posts by real people like me, who are also not perfect, who have also experienced a lot, who have faced incredible challenges and still have more to go, and that gives me hope.

I guess I’d been floating on this plateau for a while, not realizing that a storm was brewing. Or maybe I just needed to be oblivious for a while to gather my strength. Or I was so scared that I did all I could to keep the storm in the kettle with the lid on, but didn’t know how to turn off the stove. Anyway, I don’t feel particularly strong right now. I’m just kind of sitting here. Suddenly it occurred to me: That is okay, too. Then I had the vision of hanging by a thread and thought to myself: Yes, that could be quite a catchy tune, and right now, that’s about all you can do with it. Maybe make a funny song out of it.

See, sometimes we really just need to hang. To pray, to admit our helplessness, and be willing to let higher power take over for a while, because our free will hasn’t been so free. Or maybe it got us into more trouble than we bargained for. That is okay. Take off the pressure. There are others who are putting it together now, linking the thoughts and insights that I need, for which I am so grateful.

All that has gone before makes us what we are today. I keep hearing that, and I do believe it. I’m not spouting wisdom today. Instead, I’m walking around holding out my apron to catch all the wisdom and insight that others offer. And I’m not going to feel guilty about it or put myself down for being selfish. I’m just going to thank everyone. And I will keep thanking them, keep hanging by my thread, and keep listening. Standing there with my apron, I look at the lush green fields, the blue-grey snow-tipped mountains outlined in the sky, and take in the energy.

Life is up and down, a series of waves, with different phases. Right now I’m in a phase of holding on. When the time is right, I’ll be able to let go again - and then probably laugh when I realize I didn’t fall very far at all! Breathe and laugh, breathe and laugh. The next change is going to be a big one!

Noticeable Change

Recently I hooked up with some spiritual, positive-thinking people, and feel a refreshing wave of hope and humanity returning to my life - and that, despite the sad world situation. It has often bothered me that I react with anger over stupid situations, and more often than not make a fool of myself. In the process, there is often a bad aftertaste on both sides. Most of the time, it has to do with being in a bad mood, feeling sorry for myself, or oh, so misunderstood. Then I tend to jump to conclusions, and more often than not, attack some innocent bystander verbally with my frustration.

Last Wednesday was different. I’d just come out from my singing lesson, and there was a huge truck parked behind my car, so I couldn’t leave the parking space. Feeling calm and optimistic, I looked at the driver’s seat - empty. Then I went around to the back and saw two guys unloading stuff. In a - get a load of this!! - friendly voice, I simply asked if they were going to be there for a long time, because they were blocking my car. One guy said, yes, but they could move the truck. I started to go back to my car, then I said, “Well, if you’re not going to be too much longer, I could quickly run to the store and let you finish what you’re doing.” The other guy said, “No, I’ll move the truck. It’s going to take us a while longer.” So he moved the truck back, I got out of the parking space, and drove by with a friendly wave.

Afterwards I felt a rush of — happiness through cooperation. I don’t know what else to call it. Sometimes I am so stuck in my world and feel like everyone is out to get me, especially when confronted with an unexpected obstacle. On the other hand, I so admire people who stay calm and simply cope with a situation, not assuming the worst. The realization that we are all in this together, that they were just doing their work, and that we can solve little and big problems with friendly, considerate communication is clear enough, just sometimes the stress of daily life blinds me to that.

Looked at from a different, more generous perspective, such situations are opportunities to connect, to celebrate our common humanity and utilize our wonderful gift of being human: We have the ability to think before we speak, and to see things in a positive way. We can be open and assume the best instead of the worst. I don’t mean to make such a big deal of this, but for me it is. I really prefer when that better part of me shines through. That does indeed have an effect. All of us left the interaction in a good way, so we were more inclined to be kind and friendly to the next person we met. Like a pebble tossed into a lake…

Harmony and Coping Mechanisms

There is no perfect way to recover, just as there is no one right way to live. Parents cannot instruct their children to avoid making mistakes (though I have tried!), and I as a recovered bulimic cannot explain how to recover. Along the lines of the 12-step programs, I choose to share my story and insights, and perhaps they will spark something off in someone to help her on her own path. Sometimes it’s hard to find our own way, and yet that is a gift from the universe: We are each entitled to our own unique path. My only advice: Get help! Therapy is priceless, worth it, and may save you a few years of your life!

Because I am stubborn, or it’s simply my nature, when I am told how to do something, I am immediately sceptical. I tend to feel suffocated by rules – real or imagined – and I just want to find my own way. There is a certain pride involved, I must admit.

Recently I realized that the problem with some of the songs I write is that they are too repetitive and predictable. (Somebody already told me that as well, but I had to figure it out myself!) They need more variety. During a walk yesterday evening, it occurred to me that sometimes the unexpected twists in songs are what make them especially interesting, not the harmonious aspect.

Since it is my nature to relate to things on different levels, I immediately thought to myself: It’s like a relationship. Perfect harmony with no discord gets to be boring and may not be authentic. The less-than-harmonic situations tend to be the ones that promote our growth and bring us closer. Or it’s like eating habits. When I was first in recovery, I ate the same breakfast and lunch every day, because I just couldn’t deal with more at the time. After a while, I did add variety, and I felt so much better!

This can be found in many aspects – in our work situation, or how we spend our free time. Studies come to mind in which workers had one task that they always did, while others rotated among different tasks. That latter group had much higher job satisfaction, and a stronger sense of actually producing something. If I recall correctly, they even did a better job! As opposed to simply identifying themselves with one isolated part.

Which brings me to the subject of coping mechanisms. After several years of sickness, I realized that my bulimic/anorexic behavior was actually a coping mechanism! It helped me deal with an otherwise impossible situation – my parents’ divorce and the aftermath, things beyond the control of a child. I recall my therapist commenting at one point that he was amazed that I had survived as well as I did. The problem was, that once I was grown up and in a position to take control over my life, I didn’t have any other coping mechanisms in my repertoire! These had to be developed, one at a time.

What to do with free time? What to do with meal requirements? What to do with feelings like pain, sadness, happiness, excitement, disappointment, nervousness, hunger, fear, anger, anticipation…? The list goes on and on. I began by simply sitting, or eating the same meal, or writing in my journal. Then I expanded the repertoire, learning to go for a walk, take a relaxing bath, go to the movies, listen to music, or call a friend. Much later I started writing songs. The possibilities are endless.

During the process of developing these coping strategies, I wasn’t consciously aware of what I was doing. My first goal was simply not to binge or throw up, and that was how I judged success for a long time. During early student life, I focussed on preparing for exams without getting into the food. Passing or failing became secondary. It was a developmental process in which I gradually learned to structure my life. It also helped assuage my fear of failure (e.g. not being perfect) and made me realize that life is about so much more than passing tests.

Recently I was in a dark space. I don’t mean a relapse; I just mean things were rather difficult for a while. My thoughts drifted back to the meeting rooms, where I haven’t been for nearly 25 years, but they left a lasting impression. I remember the mention of sitting with the pain, feeling the feelings, accepting them and going on. That is still what it’s about! It is normal to have such trying times! The other day, I went to bed and cried for a while, and then I watched a movie (Chocolat with Johnny Depp and Juliette Binoche – scrumptious!!!). At one point, my husband came into my room. One look at my swollen eyes and my wave of dismissal were enough. He patted my shoulder, walked back out, and took care of sending the kids to bed and closing things down for the night. After the movie, I went to bed. The next day, I felt peaceful and almost optimistic. And then I was able to talk to him about it.

I believe that the difficult situations are gifts from the universe. They provide opportunities to grow, explore and try new things. When I’m feeling down, I thank the universe for yet another gift. It doesn’t immediately give me an incredible boost, but it’s usually good for a smile.

The Blessings of Bulimia

You think I’m kidding, right? Well, I’m not. There are blessings to be found, if one is willing to look. First of all, right at the start, bulimia is a loud warning signal. Something is very wrong and we are trying to cope. It is a call for help, and some are fortunate enough to have it heard early on. Deep inside, you know something isn’t right. You are looking out for yourself, but you’re not in a position to do it all alone. You’re doing the best you can.

Often enough, the signal is overlooked. As in my dysfunctional family with the parents in the middle of a nasty divorce, nobody really had the time or energy to notice. Anyway, I couldn’t just fall apart, because I was supposed to be perfect. Eventually it became impossible to oversee, but by then I was pretty far along. More and longer help would have been necessary.

Beyond this warning signal, it was a coping mechanism. My life had become horrible and was totally out of control. I felt lost and helpless, but focussing on the food and weight loss gave me the sense that I had power over something. Don’t get me wrong! By no means do I think this is good in itself, but it was the best I could do at the time.

Eventually, it became an addiction. There is no blessing about this chapter. I’m not sure what was more addictive – the eating or the vomiting. There was a lot of anger and fear I needed to get rid of, and that certainly gave me the feeling of emptying myself.

Oh! Actually, even then there were blessings. I began to talk about it a little, and people listened. Someone told me about Overeaters Anonymous. At those meetings, and through group therapy, I met other sufferers. Soon I didn’t feel so alone anymore. Well, at least not all the time!

The most memorable blessings occurred during the process of recovery. Where do I begin? I learned to eat normally and to accept my body, because it was a matter of life and death. Who knows? Otherwise I might be stuck in the yo-yo effect today and permanently dissatisfied, or dead. So much for the cosmetic side. Wait a minute! That’s not true. Accepting my body is more than cosmetic. It has become my partner in crime – carrying me from one adventure to the next. The regular meals give me the energy to keep going. There’s something cosmic about that.

During therapy I learned that I am entitled to seek help when I need it. I don’t have to figure everything out all by myself. I also learned that I don’t have to stop therapy when the symptoms stop. In fact, once the symptoms stopped, I was in better shape to work on the emotional side of the illness and deal with the underlying problems.

The actual process of recovery taught me: One step at a time. This knowledge I use on a daily basis. I learned to be patient, and that projects can be broken down into smaller components. Thus I am no longer easily overwhelmed and tempted to give up before I even get started.

During the early years of recovery, the occasional slip into a binge or even vomiting served again as a warning signal or stress indicator – just like in the beginning. Wake up! Something needs attention! At this point, I was in a position to take action myself. Sometimes it just meant I needed more sleep, or more fun. I needed to take better care of myself.

The occasional slips had an additional benefit: I learned to accept the truth of two steps forward, one step back. They emphasized that I don’t need to be perfect. My recovery didn’t have to be perfect. I could fall down and stand up again as many times as necessary. Just because I stumbled didn’t mean I’d blown it or all was lost. I kept going.

Through the acceptance of eating as a long-term project, and that there is no quick fix, I learned diligence and perseverance. I can keep at it, and plod along on the days when things seem to be excruciatingly de-accelerated. I learned to simply sit and wait, as that is occasionally necessary.

Last but not least, if I’m in a slump, the memory of my recovery gives me something to hold on to. Every once in a while it does good to remind myself that I survived and got over it.

Thirteen years of slow suicide while not really wanting to die was a high price to pay, but since that includes these learning experiences as well, it wasn’t all lost time.