I was going to call this the Monday morning ramble, but I just realized it’s Wednesday. No, I’m not totally withdrawn or out of touch with the world, I’m just tired and it’s that Monday morning atmosphere. I’ve been wondering lately what it is that made me go along with so many things. Looking back, I think I was so thrilled about recovering that I let other things slide. It was ingrained in my head that as long as I wasn’t bingeing and/or puking everything else was fine, and I lost touch. It really is a tightrope act — to balance between being justifiably relieved and thrilled to recover, but then humble enough to acknowledge that there is definitely more to life than the survival mode.
A recognizable pattern is emerging. There is a tendency to make a change, be elated, sail along with this for a while, meanwhile slipping backwards so slowly that it only becomes apparent when this reverse process is rather advanced. Relationships are a good example. We have a really good 4-hour talk and everything comes out. Afterwards, I am exhausted, relieved and optimistic. For a few weeks the communication continues, but at the same time it gradually subsides. Soon enough, the walls are back up, the wordlessness has resumed, and it makes me wonder if anything actually happened. I need to be aware every day of what I am doing.
There is a tendency to get comfortable and rest on one’s laurels, but beware! Resting too long can jeopardize further development. On the other hand, it takes what it takes. If I don’t get it right the first time - or the ninth time - I’ll just keep getting the chance. Every day it is possible to start over, start new. I just bear in mind that things also get more complicated with every new chance, which brings me to the conclusion that I want to deal with as much as possible now. Recently I met with my former therapist. He said, “You’re not the fastest, but you’re steady in your development.” Part of that has to do with the amount of hidden excess baggage that I still carry and only now become aware of. With this new revelation, I think I’d like to accelerate just a tiny bit.
Once it was a comfort to trust that god/higher power only gives us what we can handle. That is comforting, but it contains a challenge as well. When I recognize that there is something to do, that is the time to act on it. Oh, but it’s not easy to know what to do! And then there’s also a balance to maintain between personal issues and concern for those around us. What a world! What a life!
Meanwhile I read the morning paper. Catastrophes abound. Millions of people are starving, refugees, homeless because of flooding. Oil is at an all-time high. Prices for everything are rising. Yet another case of child sexual abuse has been reported. From the obituary page I see that I’ll be attending a funeral tomorrow. Coma drinking among teenagers is on the rise. And somebody found a bag with 16,000 Euros in it and brought it to the police. The delighted rightful owner rewarded generously. My horoscope says I should go for a walk. My thoughts wander and eventually come upon Gilda Radner’s famous words: “It’s always something!”
Ideally I want to remain cheerful and optimistic, open and ready to face each new (or old) challenge as a gift — something to learn from. I want to be patient, not put excessive pressure on myself, yet not procrastinate. I guess that’s where higher power comes in. I think I’ll ask h.p. once again to help me be honest and realistic, and not beat on myself just because I don’t get everything right the first time around.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Housework and Self-Improvement
What does housework have to do with eating disorders? More than you may realize! First of all, when I look back to my worst times — living alone in a studio apartment in New York City (that was the good part!) and bingeing blindly (you can guess which part that was), my apartment was a disaster! I will skip the details, but let’s just say I didn’t clean very often. When I did, it was usually in the middle of the night. It would have taken me the whole day to get motivated, or I might just do it on an impulse.
Somehow, cleaning my apartment at night, while normal people were asleep, I felt like an elf in a fairy tale. You know - I’d wake up the next day and — SURPRISE! — my apartment would be clean! But let me get back to the dirty part. There I would be, scrubbing away at the bathroom walls, and think to myself: “Gee, doing housework isn’t so bad. It’s just getting started that’s the worst part. I can do this more often, then the mess won’t be so bad.” Is that what I did? Of course not! The weeks passed once again.
Since I’ve recovered (and live with a very orderly, cleanliness-loving man), my housecleaning habits have improved considerably — if not drastically. But lately it has occurred to me that I do housework often just not to get a scolding, which is really quite stressful, so I’ve relaxed a bit. He’s not complaining anymore, because I’m not putting up with it anymore. Or maybe he’s walking on eggshells, now that I’m not? I’m not going to get into that today. The point is, I’ve relaxed things a bit and feel less pressure.
So much for my cleaning history as a bulimarexic and as a healthy woman. More important to me are the lessons life gives me, which also includes having to get through some difficult situations. It occurred to me while writing to someone that these challenges, issues and problems are kind of like housework. Whether I deal with them today, tomorrow, next week or even never — they won’t go away. So why not relax and deal with them when I’m motivated? Just like I do with the housework?
In fact, it just occurred to me. I’m sure anyone who does housework knows that some days are better than others. That is true about any work, actually. There are days when everything flows, the work seems to almost get done by itself. Equally, there are other days, when even the minor tasks seem to take forever or just don’t go well. For several tasks, it would make sense to consult a calendar. Depending on which sign of the zodiac the moon happens to be in (I don’t know if I’m saying this right, but you can check any good calendar), certain tasks are better done or left alone. I’m serious! For example, there are only a few days a month on which it makes sense to clean windows. Unfortunately, I haven’t cleaned my windows for a few months, because it either rained on those days, I had company, or — oh, dear! — I just didn’t feel like it. Yes, that can happen, too, regardless of the calendar.
Looking at it from this perspective, even though there are things about myself and life that need work, it really isn’t so terrible if I don’t get it all done this week. But rather than doing a marathon job once a year, maybe this could also be broken down into smaller tasks. Then less “mess” would collect over time. Theoretically, at least. When the relatives come, they always leave a mess!
I’m just about finished, but there is one more topic that must be discussed, since I’m talking about work. Free time. “All work, no play, for me that is a lousy day.”
And yet, I find it so difficult to play sometimes, because there is still so much work to do. Playtime could also be put into the schedule. Oh, I’m so sorry if this sounds like I’m making up rules. I really shouldn’t do that, because the first thing I’ll do is break them. Several years ago, in a sudden burst of honesty, I gave up making New Year’s Resolutions. For me, there is absolutely no point. “Must, should, have to, ought to, supposed to…” are words I don’t particularly care for, regardless of context.
So don’t let me try to tell anybody what to do. It’s just a thought that housework and life work will not run away from us, so maybe we could stress ourselves less with the thought of what we ought (ouch!) to do and see it more as something that can be built into the flow of our day. Free time is unfortunately made of different material properties. If we don’t consciously make time for it, it disappears like a rainbow.
Somehow, cleaning my apartment at night, while normal people were asleep, I felt like an elf in a fairy tale. You know - I’d wake up the next day and — SURPRISE! — my apartment would be clean! But let me get back to the dirty part. There I would be, scrubbing away at the bathroom walls, and think to myself: “Gee, doing housework isn’t so bad. It’s just getting started that’s the worst part. I can do this more often, then the mess won’t be so bad.” Is that what I did? Of course not! The weeks passed once again.
Since I’ve recovered (and live with a very orderly, cleanliness-loving man), my housecleaning habits have improved considerably — if not drastically. But lately it has occurred to me that I do housework often just not to get a scolding, which is really quite stressful, so I’ve relaxed a bit. He’s not complaining anymore, because I’m not putting up with it anymore. Or maybe he’s walking on eggshells, now that I’m not? I’m not going to get into that today. The point is, I’ve relaxed things a bit and feel less pressure.
So much for my cleaning history as a bulimarexic and as a healthy woman. More important to me are the lessons life gives me, which also includes having to get through some difficult situations. It occurred to me while writing to someone that these challenges, issues and problems are kind of like housework. Whether I deal with them today, tomorrow, next week or even never — they won’t go away. So why not relax and deal with them when I’m motivated? Just like I do with the housework?
In fact, it just occurred to me. I’m sure anyone who does housework knows that some days are better than others. That is true about any work, actually. There are days when everything flows, the work seems to almost get done by itself. Equally, there are other days, when even the minor tasks seem to take forever or just don’t go well. For several tasks, it would make sense to consult a calendar. Depending on which sign of the zodiac the moon happens to be in (I don’t know if I’m saying this right, but you can check any good calendar), certain tasks are better done or left alone. I’m serious! For example, there are only a few days a month on which it makes sense to clean windows. Unfortunately, I haven’t cleaned my windows for a few months, because it either rained on those days, I had company, or — oh, dear! — I just didn’t feel like it. Yes, that can happen, too, regardless of the calendar.
Looking at it from this perspective, even though there are things about myself and life that need work, it really isn’t so terrible if I don’t get it all done this week. But rather than doing a marathon job once a year, maybe this could also be broken down into smaller tasks. Then less “mess” would collect over time. Theoretically, at least. When the relatives come, they always leave a mess!
I’m just about finished, but there is one more topic that must be discussed, since I’m talking about work. Free time. “All work, no play, for me that is a lousy day.”
And yet, I find it so difficult to play sometimes, because there is still so much work to do. Playtime could also be put into the schedule. Oh, I’m so sorry if this sounds like I’m making up rules. I really shouldn’t do that, because the first thing I’ll do is break them. Several years ago, in a sudden burst of honesty, I gave up making New Year’s Resolutions. For me, there is absolutely no point. “Must, should, have to, ought to, supposed to…” are words I don’t particularly care for, regardless of context.
So don’t let me try to tell anybody what to do. It’s just a thought that housework and life work will not run away from us, so maybe we could stress ourselves less with the thought of what we ought (ouch!) to do and see it more as something that can be built into the flow of our day. Free time is unfortunately made of different material properties. If we don’t consciously make time for it, it disappears like a rainbow.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Spring wake-up efforts
After a workout at the gym today, I felt much better. I need to work out regularly. It helps me stay in shape, keeps me strong and in a better mood, prevents osteoporosis and weight gain. (Since passing 40, I’ve noticed a tendency to gain weight more easily if I don’t get enough exercise.) Sounds like a good deal to me! Okay, I’m motivated! (It’s kind of hard, because I’ve just never been the type that wants to do something all the time, though it does me good. But once I’m there, I enjoy it!) It just occurred to me that this recent slide into darkness coincided with my reduction in activity. I’m sure it’s connected. So if you’re feeling down, when’s the last time you moved that body?
But before I went to the gym, I picked two goddess cards – two because two made themselves noticeable. That does happen on occasion. (The deck is by Doreen Virtue, in case anyone is curious.) Who did I pick? First Sarasvati, then Oonagh beckoned. They were both appropriate. (The descriptions are my rough translation from German.)
Sarasvati is a Hindu goddess of the fine arts. Her message is: “You are a boundless being. If you perceive limits – be they temporal, financial or otherwise – that is only your perception, because you are focussed on the material world. You can remove these boundaries by changing your focus. Music is of major importance for the expression of non-materialistic ideals and energy. It helps us move beyond the limits of thinking and existence. Surround yourself with music and let it stimulate new ideas and awaken your creativity. Flow with the music and allow yourself to experiment. Enjoy your boundlessness.” Her advice is to sing, dance, be creative, and/or make music.
Oonagh is a Celtic goddess of lightness/ease. Her message is: “To really be involved in a relationship/project is a long-term commitment, which one should not enter upon lightly. It is so important to me what happens to my planet and loved ones that I will stick by them no matter what. That is not always easy, but it is the only way I can be sure that everything will be resolved and heal. I listen to my heart. I show my loved ones how much they mean to me. I do something to keep matters moving. Don’t worry about other people’s opinions – you profit by pursuing your main goals. You will feel good when you create time and space for matters of the heart. Do what you need to do, and do it with your whole heart. And remember, there is no competition for the true purpose in life, so you don’t have to worry, hurry, or put pressure on yourself.” She says everything will happen in good time. Nor should I take any drastic measures. One step at a time, consistently moving forward, is the best way to go. Ease gently into your new life, don’t be in a rush.
I bet both cards are appropriate for others besides me today, and stumbling upon them here and now is very close to picking them. That’s why I’m sharing them.
I’m following Sarasvati’s advice and surrounding myself in music. One magical song I've been listening to is "Hide in your shell" by Supertramp. Youtube-it! I was 15 when it came out. It was one of the few times I felt understood. I don’t think it needs more comment.
But before I went to the gym, I picked two goddess cards – two because two made themselves noticeable. That does happen on occasion. (The deck is by Doreen Virtue, in case anyone is curious.) Who did I pick? First Sarasvati, then Oonagh beckoned. They were both appropriate. (The descriptions are my rough translation from German.)
Sarasvati is a Hindu goddess of the fine arts. Her message is: “You are a boundless being. If you perceive limits – be they temporal, financial or otherwise – that is only your perception, because you are focussed on the material world. You can remove these boundaries by changing your focus. Music is of major importance for the expression of non-materialistic ideals and energy. It helps us move beyond the limits of thinking and existence. Surround yourself with music and let it stimulate new ideas and awaken your creativity. Flow with the music and allow yourself to experiment. Enjoy your boundlessness.” Her advice is to sing, dance, be creative, and/or make music.
Oonagh is a Celtic goddess of lightness/ease. Her message is: “To really be involved in a relationship/project is a long-term commitment, which one should not enter upon lightly. It is so important to me what happens to my planet and loved ones that I will stick by them no matter what. That is not always easy, but it is the only way I can be sure that everything will be resolved and heal. I listen to my heart. I show my loved ones how much they mean to me. I do something to keep matters moving. Don’t worry about other people’s opinions – you profit by pursuing your main goals. You will feel good when you create time and space for matters of the heart. Do what you need to do, and do it with your whole heart. And remember, there is no competition for the true purpose in life, so you don’t have to worry, hurry, or put pressure on yourself.” She says everything will happen in good time. Nor should I take any drastic measures. One step at a time, consistently moving forward, is the best way to go. Ease gently into your new life, don’t be in a rush.
I bet both cards are appropriate for others besides me today, and stumbling upon them here and now is very close to picking them. That’s why I’m sharing them.
I’m following Sarasvati’s advice and surrounding myself in music. One magical song I've been listening to is "Hide in your shell" by Supertramp. Youtube-it! I was 15 when it came out. It was one of the few times I felt understood. I don’t think it needs more comment.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Obsessing, prophetic winks and book recommendations
When I have thought about a problematic situation endlessly and come to no clear conclusion (some people call this obsessing), that seems to be the time to let go and do something else. Then, to my surprise, if not the answer then at least suggestions seem to appear from nowhere. Although this has occurred countless times, it never ceases to amaze me.
Where do the answers come from? A telephone conversation, a billboard, a newspaper article, an ad in the subway, a book I’m reading. Books especially seem to provide the best answers. I can remember going through a difficult time with my daughter - one of those phases during which I feel like I did everything wrong and I just don’t know what to do. At that time, I was reading a book about Sri Ramana Maharshi, and the strangest things happened. It is quite a thick book, so it took a while to get through it. During that time, I often had the feeling that his spirit was with me. I had vivid dreams. Often I would think about a problem, pick up the book, and an answer would be there. That was a very special experience.
At one of my lowest points, the person narrating the story told about his own childhood and how his father had done his utmost to prevent his son from becoming a holy man, as the astrologers had predicted at his birth. Despite all of his father’s efforts, and ignorant of them until much later, the man fulfilled his destiny. When I read that, I thought to myself: “And I am trying to nurture my daughter, not stand in her way. Surely she will find her way and fulfill her own destiny.” (That was a borrowed book and I don’t remember the name.)
Recently, I’ve read books about strong women. That wasn’t my intention, but it just seemed to happen, and was exactly what I needed. I read Left to Tell by Immaculée Ilibagiza, who told her amazing story of surviving the Rwandan holocaust in 1994. In A Circle of Quiet Madeleine L’Engle talks about keeping on, despite various struggles, believing in herself, and finally having success with her book A Wrinkle in Time. In fiction I read Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende. In the early 1980’s I first read My Life by Isadora Duncan, and have carried that small paperback with me across the ocean and through several different apartments. Recently, it whispered to me from the bookshelf “read me!” - so I did, and was duly inspired by her free, matter-of-fact thinking. It seems as though she never doubted herself and was totally merged with the universe.
For the past 6 months I’ve been reading the biography of Frida Kahlo from Hayden Herrera. That is taking a long time. Yet each time I pick it up again, the timing is perfect. It had been several weeks again, and last night I decided to read further. I just happened to be at the part where she had separated from her husband (whom she later remarried) and wanted to make it on her own. She was having a difficult time and wrote to a friend: “This is the absolute worst time of my life. I don’t know how I’ll get through this.” As the author wrote in the closing sentence to that chapter, “but of course she did indeed get through it.” What better encouragement can I ask for?
Then there are affirmations and oracles, like Heart Thoughts: A treasure of inner wisdom by Louise Hay. That is good for simply opening up to the right page to find an affirmation that suits the day exactly. Or my Goddess cards. People smile sceptically when I tell them, but the cards are always right on. (Haven’t picked one for a while. I think I’ll do that after I finish writing this.) Recently I picked the same card two days in a row. It was telling me among other things to get outdoors, get fresh air, move. I prefer indoor activities like reading, listening to music, writing and talking on the phone. On the third day, I was a bit annoyed and thought, “I don’t want to get that card again. I don’t WANT to go outside.” Well, I picked a different goddess, but this one also told me to go outside. I had to laugh, and ended up going for a walk. I grudgingly admit that I felt better afterwards.
I won’t go beyond mentioning the impact of music and lyrics. Lyrics have always been a fascinating source of emotional nourishment for as long as I can remember. As a ten-year-old I copied a quote from the song ”I am a rock” by Simon and Garfunkel into my diary. I felt so understood!! There is a wealth of support to be found there.
What I’m saying is, I don’t recommend running away from one’s problems. Rather, if the approach up until now hasn’t worked, then maybe it’s time to let go of it. Let go of trying to control and figure everything out. Quiet down, open up and see what’s out there. Find out about other people - what they are doing, going through, have been through, and what they have to say about their experiences. Although it is not easy to let go, and can be a little scary (fear of the unknown?!), there is also something very exciting about making a change and trying something new. For myself, I am at a turning point, and I’m definitely open to a new approach. So many old behavior and thought patterns stopped working or never worked. I’m ready for new ones. By the way, I’ve heard from several people about the worst time of their lives - and they got through it!
As an afterthought, I’ve gotten really sloppy about going to the gym regularly. I always seem to be so busy. Last year I was in better shape. What did my horoscope in today’s paper say? Exactly that: “A year ago you were in much better shape physically. Do something!!” So, I will consult my goddess cards, and then I will get to the gym today!
Where do the answers come from? A telephone conversation, a billboard, a newspaper article, an ad in the subway, a book I’m reading. Books especially seem to provide the best answers. I can remember going through a difficult time with my daughter - one of those phases during which I feel like I did everything wrong and I just don’t know what to do. At that time, I was reading a book about Sri Ramana Maharshi, and the strangest things happened. It is quite a thick book, so it took a while to get through it. During that time, I often had the feeling that his spirit was with me. I had vivid dreams. Often I would think about a problem, pick up the book, and an answer would be there. That was a very special experience.
At one of my lowest points, the person narrating the story told about his own childhood and how his father had done his utmost to prevent his son from becoming a holy man, as the astrologers had predicted at his birth. Despite all of his father’s efforts, and ignorant of them until much later, the man fulfilled his destiny. When I read that, I thought to myself: “And I am trying to nurture my daughter, not stand in her way. Surely she will find her way and fulfill her own destiny.” (That was a borrowed book and I don’t remember the name.)
Recently, I’ve read books about strong women. That wasn’t my intention, but it just seemed to happen, and was exactly what I needed. I read Left to Tell by Immaculée Ilibagiza, who told her amazing story of surviving the Rwandan holocaust in 1994. In A Circle of Quiet Madeleine L’Engle talks about keeping on, despite various struggles, believing in herself, and finally having success with her book A Wrinkle in Time. In fiction I read Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende. In the early 1980’s I first read My Life by Isadora Duncan, and have carried that small paperback with me across the ocean and through several different apartments. Recently, it whispered to me from the bookshelf “read me!” - so I did, and was duly inspired by her free, matter-of-fact thinking. It seems as though she never doubted herself and was totally merged with the universe.
For the past 6 months I’ve been reading the biography of Frida Kahlo from Hayden Herrera. That is taking a long time. Yet each time I pick it up again, the timing is perfect. It had been several weeks again, and last night I decided to read further. I just happened to be at the part where she had separated from her husband (whom she later remarried) and wanted to make it on her own. She was having a difficult time and wrote to a friend: “This is the absolute worst time of my life. I don’t know how I’ll get through this.” As the author wrote in the closing sentence to that chapter, “but of course she did indeed get through it.” What better encouragement can I ask for?
Then there are affirmations and oracles, like Heart Thoughts: A treasure of inner wisdom by Louise Hay. That is good for simply opening up to the right page to find an affirmation that suits the day exactly. Or my Goddess cards. People smile sceptically when I tell them, but the cards are always right on. (Haven’t picked one for a while. I think I’ll do that after I finish writing this.) Recently I picked the same card two days in a row. It was telling me among other things to get outdoors, get fresh air, move. I prefer indoor activities like reading, listening to music, writing and talking on the phone. On the third day, I was a bit annoyed and thought, “I don’t want to get that card again. I don’t WANT to go outside.” Well, I picked a different goddess, but this one also told me to go outside. I had to laugh, and ended up going for a walk. I grudgingly admit that I felt better afterwards.
I won’t go beyond mentioning the impact of music and lyrics. Lyrics have always been a fascinating source of emotional nourishment for as long as I can remember. As a ten-year-old I copied a quote from the song ”I am a rock” by Simon and Garfunkel into my diary. I felt so understood!! There is a wealth of support to be found there.
What I’m saying is, I don’t recommend running away from one’s problems. Rather, if the approach up until now hasn’t worked, then maybe it’s time to let go of it. Let go of trying to control and figure everything out. Quiet down, open up and see what’s out there. Find out about other people - what they are doing, going through, have been through, and what they have to say about their experiences. Although it is not easy to let go, and can be a little scary (fear of the unknown?!), there is also something very exciting about making a change and trying something new. For myself, I am at a turning point, and I’m definitely open to a new approach. So many old behavior and thought patterns stopped working or never worked. I’m ready for new ones. By the way, I’ve heard from several people about the worst time of their lives - and they got through it!
As an afterthought, I’ve gotten really sloppy about going to the gym regularly. I always seem to be so busy. Last year I was in better shape. What did my horoscope in today’s paper say? Exactly that: “A year ago you were in much better shape physically. Do something!!” So, I will consult my goddess cards, and then I will get to the gym today!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Sunday ramblings and revelations
I guess I’ll just dive in. I listened to calm music last night to fall asleep, and it wasn’t calm enough!! There was some percussion that kept jolting me. So I need to check out music for falling asleep. That doesn’t really surprise me, being a person of extremes. Now that I have surrendered to the need for calm music, it has to be REALLY calm! I put on the Gregorian chants, and that was better.
While cooking lunch today, my phone rang. It was my sleepyhead daughter calling from upstairs. She’d come home late the night before and had just woken up. With motherly intuition, I answered the phone: “Meals on wheels. How can I help you?” She replied, “I’m hungry. Can you make something with spinach?” I just happened to be making spinach crepes, which is one of her favorite meals. (It is odd: she doesn’t like many vegetables, but she likes spinach.)
Meal preparation is a good time to let one’s stream of consciousness run free. Various thoughts occurred to me. I’m still feeling helpless, as if I don’t have control over my life. I remember the year before my 26th birthday, when I decided it was now or never with recovery, because I had spent half my life as a bulimic. If I didn’t stop at 26, it would become more than half of my life.
I moved here (to my then-boyfriend-now-husband) when I was 23, and this fall I turn 46. Once again, that half-way point of life is lurking in the shadows of my consciousness. Maybe I’m going through this struggle all over again to better show what is involved in recovery - beyond the simple information on how it is possible. I wanted to offer my story as encouragement for recovery. What better way to emphasize that recovery is a life-long process than to share my next big step? It’s a little harder this time, because other people are involved - a husband and two children. Nor do I have any substances to get me through it. Alcohol doesn’t work. Nor do I want to smoke or eat sweets. What to do when there’s nothing left - nowhere to hide? I don’t know yet.
Once I had the necessary determination. I need it again. Maybe the bulimia recovery was just the dress rehearsal to prepare for true emotional recovery. This is the big show - the main performance. (Until the next one, that is!!) I learned to recover, to eat, to take fairly good care of myself, but emotionally didn’t quite restore the complete sense of self worth. Now it’s growing, and it’s a challenge to remain in the daily routine. In fact, I’m changing things step by step.
One very important step in recovery is humility. Every time I start to get too full of myself and think I’m on top of the world, something happens to remind me that I’m like everyone else. I need to remain humble and grateful for each day. That keeps me grounded. I’ve generally been the one to offer advice, be strong, help others, or play a leading role, so it is a strange feeling to be so slow on the path and look to others for guidance. But those ahead of me are also humble, and they encourage me - shining the light and beckoning for me to come join them. That is a wonderful gesture.
While cooking lunch today, my phone rang. It was my sleepyhead daughter calling from upstairs. She’d come home late the night before and had just woken up. With motherly intuition, I answered the phone: “Meals on wheels. How can I help you?” She replied, “I’m hungry. Can you make something with spinach?” I just happened to be making spinach crepes, which is one of her favorite meals. (It is odd: she doesn’t like many vegetables, but she likes spinach.)
Meal preparation is a good time to let one’s stream of consciousness run free. Various thoughts occurred to me. I’m still feeling helpless, as if I don’t have control over my life. I remember the year before my 26th birthday, when I decided it was now or never with recovery, because I had spent half my life as a bulimic. If I didn’t stop at 26, it would become more than half of my life.
I moved here (to my then-boyfriend-now-husband) when I was 23, and this fall I turn 46. Once again, that half-way point of life is lurking in the shadows of my consciousness. Maybe I’m going through this struggle all over again to better show what is involved in recovery - beyond the simple information on how it is possible. I wanted to offer my story as encouragement for recovery. What better way to emphasize that recovery is a life-long process than to share my next big step? It’s a little harder this time, because other people are involved - a husband and two children. Nor do I have any substances to get me through it. Alcohol doesn’t work. Nor do I want to smoke or eat sweets. What to do when there’s nothing left - nowhere to hide? I don’t know yet.
Once I had the necessary determination. I need it again. Maybe the bulimia recovery was just the dress rehearsal to prepare for true emotional recovery. This is the big show - the main performance. (Until the next one, that is!!) I learned to recover, to eat, to take fairly good care of myself, but emotionally didn’t quite restore the complete sense of self worth. Now it’s growing, and it’s a challenge to remain in the daily routine. In fact, I’m changing things step by step.
One very important step in recovery is humility. Every time I start to get too full of myself and think I’m on top of the world, something happens to remind me that I’m like everyone else. I need to remain humble and grateful for each day. That keeps me grounded. I’ve generally been the one to offer advice, be strong, help others, or play a leading role, so it is a strange feeling to be so slow on the path and look to others for guidance. But those ahead of me are also humble, and they encourage me - shining the light and beckoning for me to come join them. That is a wonderful gesture.
Hanging by a Thread
That’s what I’m doing emotionally these days, because my life is kind of upside down and really needs some shaking out. I spent some time reading inspirational posts by real people like me, who are also not perfect, who have also experienced a lot, who have faced incredible challenges and still have more to go, and that gives me hope.
I guess I’d been floating on this plateau for a while, not realizing that a storm was brewing. Or maybe I just needed to be oblivious for a while to gather my strength. Or I was so scared that I did all I could to keep the storm in the kettle with the lid on, but didn’t know how to turn off the stove. Anyway, I don’t feel particularly strong right now. I’m just kind of sitting here. Suddenly it occurred to me: That is okay, too. Then I had the vision of hanging by a thread and thought to myself: Yes, that could be quite a catchy tune, and right now, that’s about all you can do with it. Maybe make a funny song out of it.
See, sometimes we really just need to hang. To pray, to admit our helplessness, and be willing to let higher power take over for a while, because our free will hasn’t been so free. Or maybe it got us into more trouble than we bargained for. That is okay. Take off the pressure. There are others who are putting it together now, linking the thoughts and insights that I need, for which I am so grateful.
All that has gone before makes us what we are today. I keep hearing that, and I do believe it. I’m not spouting wisdom today. Instead, I’m walking around holding out my apron to catch all the wisdom and insight that others offer. And I’m not going to feel guilty about it or put myself down for being selfish. I’m just going to thank everyone. And I will keep thanking them, keep hanging by my thread, and keep listening. Standing there with my apron, I look at the lush green fields, the blue-grey snow-tipped mountains outlined in the sky, and take in the energy.
Life is up and down, a series of waves, with different phases. Right now I’m in a phase of holding on. When the time is right, I’ll be able to let go again - and then probably laugh when I realize I didn’t fall very far at all! Breathe and laugh, breathe and laugh. The next change is going to be a big one!
I guess I’d been floating on this plateau for a while, not realizing that a storm was brewing. Or maybe I just needed to be oblivious for a while to gather my strength. Or I was so scared that I did all I could to keep the storm in the kettle with the lid on, but didn’t know how to turn off the stove. Anyway, I don’t feel particularly strong right now. I’m just kind of sitting here. Suddenly it occurred to me: That is okay, too. Then I had the vision of hanging by a thread and thought to myself: Yes, that could be quite a catchy tune, and right now, that’s about all you can do with it. Maybe make a funny song out of it.
See, sometimes we really just need to hang. To pray, to admit our helplessness, and be willing to let higher power take over for a while, because our free will hasn’t been so free. Or maybe it got us into more trouble than we bargained for. That is okay. Take off the pressure. There are others who are putting it together now, linking the thoughts and insights that I need, for which I am so grateful.
All that has gone before makes us what we are today. I keep hearing that, and I do believe it. I’m not spouting wisdom today. Instead, I’m walking around holding out my apron to catch all the wisdom and insight that others offer. And I’m not going to feel guilty about it or put myself down for being selfish. I’m just going to thank everyone. And I will keep thanking them, keep hanging by my thread, and keep listening. Standing there with my apron, I look at the lush green fields, the blue-grey snow-tipped mountains outlined in the sky, and take in the energy.
Life is up and down, a series of waves, with different phases. Right now I’m in a phase of holding on. When the time is right, I’ll be able to let go again - and then probably laugh when I realize I didn’t fall very far at all! Breathe and laugh, breathe and laugh. The next change is going to be a big one!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Lost Time
I’m so glad I wrote that about the blessings of bulimia, because I realized it wasn’t all lost time. Ever since I recovered, I’ve been going at a steady pace, sometimes frenetic, and definitely with shades of workaholic behavior woven into the pattern. The other day I realized that this is related to the chip on my shoulder: I feel like because I lost so much time through the sickness I have to make up for it.
There are so many projects. There is so much I want to accomplish in this short lifetime, and I wasted so much time! So I’ve been busting my a– to make up for it. That really isn’t the way to go. If I continue at this pace, I’ll end up dropping from sheer exhaustion. My social life and relaxation generally wait on the back burner. But there’s so much going on, I’ll never get around to them if I don’t make the time.
The other day, I was on the phone with my mother. She reminded me of what Granny used to say: “Did you get outside today? Did you smell the flowers?” I didn’t lose time. I’m right on schedule, even though I would have planned it differently. But I’m not the one who plans this stuff, I’m just a dot in the universe! Today’s note is short, because I’m going to practice yoga – now!
Have a great day! And please do me a favor, let’s everybody do something nice for themselves and someone else today! Just for fun!
There are so many projects. There is so much I want to accomplish in this short lifetime, and I wasted so much time! So I’ve been busting my a– to make up for it. That really isn’t the way to go. If I continue at this pace, I’ll end up dropping from sheer exhaustion. My social life and relaxation generally wait on the back burner. But there’s so much going on, I’ll never get around to them if I don’t make the time.
The other day, I was on the phone with my mother. She reminded me of what Granny used to say: “Did you get outside today? Did you smell the flowers?” I didn’t lose time. I’m right on schedule, even though I would have planned it differently. But I’m not the one who plans this stuff, I’m just a dot in the universe! Today’s note is short, because I’m going to practice yoga – now!
Have a great day! And please do me a favor, let’s everybody do something nice for themselves and someone else today! Just for fun!
Noticeable Change
Recently I hooked up with some spiritual, positive-thinking people, and feel a refreshing wave of hope and humanity returning to my life - and that, despite the sad world situation. It has often bothered me that I react with anger over stupid situations, and more often than not make a fool of myself. In the process, there is often a bad aftertaste on both sides. Most of the time, it has to do with being in a bad mood, feeling sorry for myself, or oh, so misunderstood. Then I tend to jump to conclusions, and more often than not, attack some innocent bystander verbally with my frustration.
Last Wednesday was different. I’d just come out from my singing lesson, and there was a huge truck parked behind my car, so I couldn’t leave the parking space. Feeling calm and optimistic, I looked at the driver’s seat - empty. Then I went around to the back and saw two guys unloading stuff. In a - get a load of this!! - friendly voice, I simply asked if they were going to be there for a long time, because they were blocking my car. One guy said, yes, but they could move the truck. I started to go back to my car, then I said, “Well, if you’re not going to be too much longer, I could quickly run to the store and let you finish what you’re doing.” The other guy said, “No, I’ll move the truck. It’s going to take us a while longer.” So he moved the truck back, I got out of the parking space, and drove by with a friendly wave.
Afterwards I felt a rush of — happiness through cooperation. I don’t know what else to call it. Sometimes I am so stuck in my world and feel like everyone is out to get me, especially when confronted with an unexpected obstacle. On the other hand, I so admire people who stay calm and simply cope with a situation, not assuming the worst. The realization that we are all in this together, that they were just doing their work, and that we can solve little and big problems with friendly, considerate communication is clear enough, just sometimes the stress of daily life blinds me to that.
Looked at from a different, more generous perspective, such situations are opportunities to connect, to celebrate our common humanity and utilize our wonderful gift of being human: We have the ability to think before we speak, and to see things in a positive way. We can be open and assume the best instead of the worst. I don’t mean to make such a big deal of this, but for me it is. I really prefer when that better part of me shines through. That does indeed have an effect. All of us left the interaction in a good way, so we were more inclined to be kind and friendly to the next person we met. Like a pebble tossed into a lake…
Last Wednesday was different. I’d just come out from my singing lesson, and there was a huge truck parked behind my car, so I couldn’t leave the parking space. Feeling calm and optimistic, I looked at the driver’s seat - empty. Then I went around to the back and saw two guys unloading stuff. In a - get a load of this!! - friendly voice, I simply asked if they were going to be there for a long time, because they were blocking my car. One guy said, yes, but they could move the truck. I started to go back to my car, then I said, “Well, if you’re not going to be too much longer, I could quickly run to the store and let you finish what you’re doing.” The other guy said, “No, I’ll move the truck. It’s going to take us a while longer.” So he moved the truck back, I got out of the parking space, and drove by with a friendly wave.
Afterwards I felt a rush of — happiness through cooperation. I don’t know what else to call it. Sometimes I am so stuck in my world and feel like everyone is out to get me, especially when confronted with an unexpected obstacle. On the other hand, I so admire people who stay calm and simply cope with a situation, not assuming the worst. The realization that we are all in this together, that they were just doing their work, and that we can solve little and big problems with friendly, considerate communication is clear enough, just sometimes the stress of daily life blinds me to that.
Looked at from a different, more generous perspective, such situations are opportunities to connect, to celebrate our common humanity and utilize our wonderful gift of being human: We have the ability to think before we speak, and to see things in a positive way. We can be open and assume the best instead of the worst. I don’t mean to make such a big deal of this, but for me it is. I really prefer when that better part of me shines through. That does indeed have an effect. All of us left the interaction in a good way, so we were more inclined to be kind and friendly to the next person we met. Like a pebble tossed into a lake…
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Harmony and Coping Mechanisms
There is no perfect way to recover, just as there is no one right way to live. Parents cannot instruct their children to avoid making mistakes (though I have tried!), and I as a recovered bulimic cannot explain how to recover. Along the lines of the 12-step programs, I choose to share my story and insights, and perhaps they will spark something off in someone to help her on her own path. Sometimes it’s hard to find our own way, and yet that is a gift from the universe: We are each entitled to our own unique path. My only advice: Get help! Therapy is priceless, worth it, and may save you a few years of your life!
Because I am stubborn, or it’s simply my nature, when I am told how to do something, I am immediately sceptical. I tend to feel suffocated by rules – real or imagined – and I just want to find my own way. There is a certain pride involved, I must admit.
Recently I realized that the problem with some of the songs I write is that they are too repetitive and predictable. (Somebody already told me that as well, but I had to figure it out myself!) They need more variety. During a walk yesterday evening, it occurred to me that sometimes the unexpected twists in songs are what make them especially interesting, not the harmonious aspect.
Since it is my nature to relate to things on different levels, I immediately thought to myself: It’s like a relationship. Perfect harmony with no discord gets to be boring and may not be authentic. The less-than-harmonic situations tend to be the ones that promote our growth and bring us closer. Or it’s like eating habits. When I was first in recovery, I ate the same breakfast and lunch every day, because I just couldn’t deal with more at the time. After a while, I did add variety, and I felt so much better!
This can be found in many aspects – in our work situation, or how we spend our free time. Studies come to mind in which workers had one task that they always did, while others rotated among different tasks. That latter group had much higher job satisfaction, and a stronger sense of actually producing something. If I recall correctly, they even did a better job! As opposed to simply identifying themselves with one isolated part.
Which brings me to the subject of coping mechanisms. After several years of sickness, I realized that my bulimic/anorexic behavior was actually a coping mechanism! It helped me deal with an otherwise impossible situation – my parents’ divorce and the aftermath, things beyond the control of a child. I recall my therapist commenting at one point that he was amazed that I had survived as well as I did. The problem was, that once I was grown up and in a position to take control over my life, I didn’t have any other coping mechanisms in my repertoire! These had to be developed, one at a time.
What to do with free time? What to do with meal requirements? What to do with feelings like pain, sadness, happiness, excitement, disappointment, nervousness, hunger, fear, anger, anticipation…? The list goes on and on. I began by simply sitting, or eating the same meal, or writing in my journal. Then I expanded the repertoire, learning to go for a walk, take a relaxing bath, go to the movies, listen to music, or call a friend. Much later I started writing songs. The possibilities are endless.
During the process of developing these coping strategies, I wasn’t consciously aware of what I was doing. My first goal was simply not to binge or throw up, and that was how I judged success for a long time. During early student life, I focussed on preparing for exams without getting into the food. Passing or failing became secondary. It was a developmental process in which I gradually learned to structure my life. It also helped assuage my fear of failure (e.g. not being perfect) and made me realize that life is about so much more than passing tests.
Recently I was in a dark space. I don’t mean a relapse; I just mean things were rather difficult for a while. My thoughts drifted back to the meeting rooms, where I haven’t been for nearly 25 years, but they left a lasting impression. I remember the mention of sitting with the pain, feeling the feelings, accepting them and going on. That is still what it’s about! It is normal to have such trying times! The other day, I went to bed and cried for a while, and then I watched a movie (Chocolat with Johnny Depp and Juliette Binoche – scrumptious!!!). At one point, my husband came into my room. One look at my swollen eyes and my wave of dismissal were enough. He patted my shoulder, walked back out, and took care of sending the kids to bed and closing things down for the night. After the movie, I went to bed. The next day, I felt peaceful and almost optimistic. And then I was able to talk to him about it.
I believe that the difficult situations are gifts from the universe. They provide opportunities to grow, explore and try new things. When I’m feeling down, I thank the universe for yet another gift. It doesn’t immediately give me an incredible boost, but it’s usually good for a smile.
Because I am stubborn, or it’s simply my nature, when I am told how to do something, I am immediately sceptical. I tend to feel suffocated by rules – real or imagined – and I just want to find my own way. There is a certain pride involved, I must admit.
Recently I realized that the problem with some of the songs I write is that they are too repetitive and predictable. (Somebody already told me that as well, but I had to figure it out myself!) They need more variety. During a walk yesterday evening, it occurred to me that sometimes the unexpected twists in songs are what make them especially interesting, not the harmonious aspect.
Since it is my nature to relate to things on different levels, I immediately thought to myself: It’s like a relationship. Perfect harmony with no discord gets to be boring and may not be authentic. The less-than-harmonic situations tend to be the ones that promote our growth and bring us closer. Or it’s like eating habits. When I was first in recovery, I ate the same breakfast and lunch every day, because I just couldn’t deal with more at the time. After a while, I did add variety, and I felt so much better!
This can be found in many aspects – in our work situation, or how we spend our free time. Studies come to mind in which workers had one task that they always did, while others rotated among different tasks. That latter group had much higher job satisfaction, and a stronger sense of actually producing something. If I recall correctly, they even did a better job! As opposed to simply identifying themselves with one isolated part.
Which brings me to the subject of coping mechanisms. After several years of sickness, I realized that my bulimic/anorexic behavior was actually a coping mechanism! It helped me deal with an otherwise impossible situation – my parents’ divorce and the aftermath, things beyond the control of a child. I recall my therapist commenting at one point that he was amazed that I had survived as well as I did. The problem was, that once I was grown up and in a position to take control over my life, I didn’t have any other coping mechanisms in my repertoire! These had to be developed, one at a time.
What to do with free time? What to do with meal requirements? What to do with feelings like pain, sadness, happiness, excitement, disappointment, nervousness, hunger, fear, anger, anticipation…? The list goes on and on. I began by simply sitting, or eating the same meal, or writing in my journal. Then I expanded the repertoire, learning to go for a walk, take a relaxing bath, go to the movies, listen to music, or call a friend. Much later I started writing songs. The possibilities are endless.
During the process of developing these coping strategies, I wasn’t consciously aware of what I was doing. My first goal was simply not to binge or throw up, and that was how I judged success for a long time. During early student life, I focussed on preparing for exams without getting into the food. Passing or failing became secondary. It was a developmental process in which I gradually learned to structure my life. It also helped assuage my fear of failure (e.g. not being perfect) and made me realize that life is about so much more than passing tests.
Recently I was in a dark space. I don’t mean a relapse; I just mean things were rather difficult for a while. My thoughts drifted back to the meeting rooms, where I haven’t been for nearly 25 years, but they left a lasting impression. I remember the mention of sitting with the pain, feeling the feelings, accepting them and going on. That is still what it’s about! It is normal to have such trying times! The other day, I went to bed and cried for a while, and then I watched a movie (Chocolat with Johnny Depp and Juliette Binoche – scrumptious!!!). At one point, my husband came into my room. One look at my swollen eyes and my wave of dismissal were enough. He patted my shoulder, walked back out, and took care of sending the kids to bed and closing things down for the night. After the movie, I went to bed. The next day, I felt peaceful and almost optimistic. And then I was able to talk to him about it.
I believe that the difficult situations are gifts from the universe. They provide opportunities to grow, explore and try new things. When I’m feeling down, I thank the universe for yet another gift. It doesn’t immediately give me an incredible boost, but it’s usually good for a smile.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Time for a Change
I really should be practicing my guitar, but I just feel like writing something non-bulimic, since I seem to have jumped in pretty deep lately. Strange things are happening, I’m not even sure what. There seems to be a shift coming on. I will do my best to let go and trust the universe. I don’t have to know what is going to happen, but I do have some preferences.
Yesterday I read a couple of other people’s blogs for a few hours, and it did so good to simply immerse myself in something else. The endless chatter in my brain stopped for a while. Yeah, even though I’m “healthy” there is still stuff to change about my life. It’s like trying to wear old clothes. After a while, they just don’t fit anymore, or they are falling apart. I was impressed by the prolific writing, positivity, communication, generosity, and empathy. How come it took me so long to get here? I’ve been feeling so isolated on my post-bulimic planet. See, I’m beginning to realize how much more we have in common than the symptoms - and I am delighted!
I feel just a bit insecure. Everyone else is much younger, and so well-versed - in computers and life, it seems. I feel kind of stupid at my age, just realizing things that an almost-30-year-old already knows! But that’s life. And luckily, there are people like that who are sharing their wisdom and experience. We can’t do or be it all. Each of us has something special to offer. We just need to find it.
Living on the outside is lonely at times. It gives me a different perspective on things (not necessarily better or worse, just different), but seems to require a lot of strength which I at times don’t have. I’m kind of rambling today. Two steps forward, one step back. And every ten steps fall down and scrape your knee. You might see something you would have otherwise missed. In the meantime, it will heal. In any case, I don’t want to walk on eggshells anymore. I don’t want to be concerned about whether or not people like me. On my good days, I don’t care, because I know better. But not every day is so good. I want to make changes in my life, so I am asking for support.
What I’m trying to say is, we are never finished with recovery. There’s always one more level. Like I’ve said before, I think that is the nature of life. We just keep learning and growing. I’m saying this for other people and for myself, because I tend to still have very high expectations and put a lot of pressure on myself. It’s not easy! Today I will summon up my energy and go out for a walk and breathe.
Yesterday I read a couple of other people’s blogs for a few hours, and it did so good to simply immerse myself in something else. The endless chatter in my brain stopped for a while. Yeah, even though I’m “healthy” there is still stuff to change about my life. It’s like trying to wear old clothes. After a while, they just don’t fit anymore, or they are falling apart. I was impressed by the prolific writing, positivity, communication, generosity, and empathy. How come it took me so long to get here? I’ve been feeling so isolated on my post-bulimic planet. See, I’m beginning to realize how much more we have in common than the symptoms - and I am delighted!
I feel just a bit insecure. Everyone else is much younger, and so well-versed - in computers and life, it seems. I feel kind of stupid at my age, just realizing things that an almost-30-year-old already knows! But that’s life. And luckily, there are people like that who are sharing their wisdom and experience. We can’t do or be it all. Each of us has something special to offer. We just need to find it.
Living on the outside is lonely at times. It gives me a different perspective on things (not necessarily better or worse, just different), but seems to require a lot of strength which I at times don’t have. I’m kind of rambling today. Two steps forward, one step back. And every ten steps fall down and scrape your knee. You might see something you would have otherwise missed. In the meantime, it will heal. In any case, I don’t want to walk on eggshells anymore. I don’t want to be concerned about whether or not people like me. On my good days, I don’t care, because I know better. But not every day is so good. I want to make changes in my life, so I am asking for support.
What I’m trying to say is, we are never finished with recovery. There’s always one more level. Like I’ve said before, I think that is the nature of life. We just keep learning and growing. I’m saying this for other people and for myself, because I tend to still have very high expectations and put a lot of pressure on myself. It’s not easy! Today I will summon up my energy and go out for a walk and breathe.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
New Garden
I suggest to you, let us stop placing this stone
at each other’s feet or before our own.
Let’s push it aside to open a door
to a healthier place we’ve been longing for.
There’s a Japanese garden
growing in my mind.
Creativity and necessitycaused it to be designed.
I took the boulderthat’s been on my shoulder
the one we’ve been pushing all these years,
which has caused such anguish and tears.
Yeah, so I took that rock and set itnext to a tiny pool
dreamed up a trickling stream
and some flowers on the rim.
Pink ones for the heart,
violet for the soul,
expressing spirituality
which helps to make us whole.
The rock is yet to be transformed.
It still weighs upon my shoulder,
brought from another lifetime
and we keep getting older.
We’ve been rolling it back and forth
weighing each other down,
caught in the silence of speechlessness
leading each other to frown.
Now I’ll add some rays of the sun,
to make us feel warm and alive.
Then this masterpiece will be done
which will help us again to thrive.
Come sit with me on this smooth boulder,
lean up against my lightened shoulder.
Take a moment to bathe in the sun,
soon enough there’s more work to be done.
at each other’s feet or before our own.
Let’s push it aside to open a door
to a healthier place we’ve been longing for.
There’s a Japanese garden
growing in my mind.
Creativity and necessitycaused it to be designed.
I took the boulderthat’s been on my shoulder
the one we’ve been pushing all these years,
which has caused such anguish and tears.
Yeah, so I took that rock and set itnext to a tiny pool
dreamed up a trickling stream
and some flowers on the rim.
Pink ones for the heart,
violet for the soul,
expressing spirituality
which helps to make us whole.
The rock is yet to be transformed.
It still weighs upon my shoulder,
brought from another lifetime
and we keep getting older.
We’ve been rolling it back and forth
weighing each other down,
caught in the silence of speechlessness
leading each other to frown.
Now I’ll add some rays of the sun,
to make us feel warm and alive.
Then this masterpiece will be done
which will help us again to thrive.
Come sit with me on this smooth boulder,
lean up against my lightened shoulder.
Take a moment to bathe in the sun,
soon enough there’s more work to be done.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Wishes and Reflections
Whenever I write, I prefer high energy and positivity: Everything will improve, just start now! Today is the best time to start over! Better late than never! But there is more to life than that.
Lately I’ve been down in the dumps. It has been getting to me that I spent so many years caught up in bulimia/anorexia, that it took so many more years to recover emotionally, and now that I finally know who I am and what I want – I’m 45 years old and feel stuck with decisions I made which were not in my best interest.
Once upon a time I fell in love with someone who didn’t always treat me as well as I deserve. Indeed, if he had, I would have considered him a jerk like all the rest and dumped him. Instead, he managed to string me along, giving me just the right dose of attention coupled with criticism and neglect. So I was able to work hard and tell myself: “If I just try a little harder, improve myself, stop being so sloppy, stop smoking, get rid of any other bad habits, then he’ll treat me better.” Sometimes he did. Maybe I had to stay with this person for 25 years because I otherwise wouldn’t believe it could be possible if someone else told me such a story.
Almost the day after I moved in with him, I knew it wouldn’t work. But I blamed myself, kept trying, managed to fly along on some positive phases of being “in love” and kept blaming myself. After two or three years, I figured we’d been together for such a long time, I just couldn’t leave now. Yet I thought I would someday magically be gone from him, and I was certain it wouldn’t last for 20 years. Ha ha ha!
Two children and ten years later, I couldn’t believe how much of my true self I had sacrificed to make him and them happy. Instead of leaving, I spent several years fighting to get myself back. I created a life within a life – began to write again, read more, go out with friends, play guitar and write songs, give concerts, buy CDs and go to concerts. If one can trust appearances, I could be happy with my parallel lives. But the parallel aspect is causing me trouble. Authenticity has been lacking. I want one authentic life.
Another ten years later finds me questioning the relationship once again. Now that I’m 45, I also realize that I’m not getting any younger and life is flying by. Life really is too short to deny one’s true self. We had a long talk a couple of weeks ago, a talk like we’ve never had before. I had been afraid of him and didn’t want to hurt his feelings – to the extent that I hurt and denied mine constantly. Realizing that my fear was a childhood remnant and had nothing to do with him, I dared to address things and was floored by the ease with which I could speak. My fears had been irrational and only served to block my development.
Night and day remains the most accurate description of our relationship, and I don’t ever expect to be compatible, but I am learning some valuable things:
I do not have to be grateful for everything, even if I don’t like it.
We do not have to agree on everything.
If he doesn’t approve of my behavior, how I spend my time, how I run the house, that is okay. (I don’t always agree with his, either!)
I am not responsible for his happiness.
My family can get by without me at times.
Harmony at any cost makes life monotonous, is stressful, and will kill me (kind of like bulimia/anorexia!!!).
Discussing things and facing potential conflict makes life interesting, reduces stress and can have surprising results.
At times I would like to run away and find someone new, but I believe that these conflicts/fears etc. need to be faced now. I need to learn to communicate without fear. If I don’t do that now, then the next relationship will end there as well. So I might as well see what is possible within this one.
That is also because we have children. My parents’ divorce scarred me for life and I don’t want that to happen to my children. It has always been my priority that my children feel secure and have both parents. However, I regret that I haven’t been the role model I would like to be. Thus, I believe that by working things out now and learning to be more assertive, I can correct some of the unfortunate interaction patterns.
At this point, the future is open. Either we learn to interact in a healthy, constructive way and stay together. Or we learn to interact in a healthy, constructive way and separate. In either case, we learn to interact in a healthy, constructive way, and that is what I want for my children. And the bottom line is: I am authentic.
P.S. On the analytical level, I married the aspects of both of my parents which cause me the most grief/fear/insecurity. I sought and married an authority figure. Healing will come when I have worked through these issues. My dealings in life remind me of the vicious cycle of an eating disorder and first steps towards health: it happened when I began to let go of the old destructive but familiar patterns and had the courage to be open and try new things, without knowing ahead of time what the outcome would be. I guess control is still an issue!
P.P.S. Why am I sharing this? No, not just to unburden myself. I genuinely hope that someone might have an a-ha experience through reading this and find that string of hope which will give her the courage to let go of something destructive in her life – whether it be an eating disorder, a relationship, a job, or whatever. To thy own self be true, as William S. once wrote! By the way, I do not claim to have all the answers, this us just a reflection of what I’m thinking today!
And since this is also about wishes: I wish I’d listened to my heart and followed it! It hasn’t changed.
Lately I’ve been down in the dumps. It has been getting to me that I spent so many years caught up in bulimia/anorexia, that it took so many more years to recover emotionally, and now that I finally know who I am and what I want – I’m 45 years old and feel stuck with decisions I made which were not in my best interest.
Once upon a time I fell in love with someone who didn’t always treat me as well as I deserve. Indeed, if he had, I would have considered him a jerk like all the rest and dumped him. Instead, he managed to string me along, giving me just the right dose of attention coupled with criticism and neglect. So I was able to work hard and tell myself: “If I just try a little harder, improve myself, stop being so sloppy, stop smoking, get rid of any other bad habits, then he’ll treat me better.” Sometimes he did. Maybe I had to stay with this person for 25 years because I otherwise wouldn’t believe it could be possible if someone else told me such a story.
Almost the day after I moved in with him, I knew it wouldn’t work. But I blamed myself, kept trying, managed to fly along on some positive phases of being “in love” and kept blaming myself. After two or three years, I figured we’d been together for such a long time, I just couldn’t leave now. Yet I thought I would someday magically be gone from him, and I was certain it wouldn’t last for 20 years. Ha ha ha!
Two children and ten years later, I couldn’t believe how much of my true self I had sacrificed to make him and them happy. Instead of leaving, I spent several years fighting to get myself back. I created a life within a life – began to write again, read more, go out with friends, play guitar and write songs, give concerts, buy CDs and go to concerts. If one can trust appearances, I could be happy with my parallel lives. But the parallel aspect is causing me trouble. Authenticity has been lacking. I want one authentic life.
Another ten years later finds me questioning the relationship once again. Now that I’m 45, I also realize that I’m not getting any younger and life is flying by. Life really is too short to deny one’s true self. We had a long talk a couple of weeks ago, a talk like we’ve never had before. I had been afraid of him and didn’t want to hurt his feelings – to the extent that I hurt and denied mine constantly. Realizing that my fear was a childhood remnant and had nothing to do with him, I dared to address things and was floored by the ease with which I could speak. My fears had been irrational and only served to block my development.
Night and day remains the most accurate description of our relationship, and I don’t ever expect to be compatible, but I am learning some valuable things:
I do not have to be grateful for everything, even if I don’t like it.
We do not have to agree on everything.
If he doesn’t approve of my behavior, how I spend my time, how I run the house, that is okay. (I don’t always agree with his, either!)
I am not responsible for his happiness.
My family can get by without me at times.
Harmony at any cost makes life monotonous, is stressful, and will kill me (kind of like bulimia/anorexia!!!).
Discussing things and facing potential conflict makes life interesting, reduces stress and can have surprising results.
At times I would like to run away and find someone new, but I believe that these conflicts/fears etc. need to be faced now. I need to learn to communicate without fear. If I don’t do that now, then the next relationship will end there as well. So I might as well see what is possible within this one.
That is also because we have children. My parents’ divorce scarred me for life and I don’t want that to happen to my children. It has always been my priority that my children feel secure and have both parents. However, I regret that I haven’t been the role model I would like to be. Thus, I believe that by working things out now and learning to be more assertive, I can correct some of the unfortunate interaction patterns.
At this point, the future is open. Either we learn to interact in a healthy, constructive way and stay together. Or we learn to interact in a healthy, constructive way and separate. In either case, we learn to interact in a healthy, constructive way, and that is what I want for my children. And the bottom line is: I am authentic.
P.S. On the analytical level, I married the aspects of both of my parents which cause me the most grief/fear/insecurity. I sought and married an authority figure. Healing will come when I have worked through these issues. My dealings in life remind me of the vicious cycle of an eating disorder and first steps towards health: it happened when I began to let go of the old destructive but familiar patterns and had the courage to be open and try new things, without knowing ahead of time what the outcome would be. I guess control is still an issue!
P.P.S. Why am I sharing this? No, not just to unburden myself. I genuinely hope that someone might have an a-ha experience through reading this and find that string of hope which will give her the courage to let go of something destructive in her life – whether it be an eating disorder, a relationship, a job, or whatever. To thy own self be true, as William S. once wrote! By the way, I do not claim to have all the answers, this us just a reflection of what I’m thinking today!
And since this is also about wishes: I wish I’d listened to my heart and followed it! It hasn’t changed.
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